10 top ten things that turn out to be crap and not ten of them – of all time – ever!!

Hi Beautiful followers of the Panda!

My new job seems to have temporarily removed my ability to have any kind of life!! I wake, work, get home, eat and find its bedtime and I’m knackered. Yet over Christmas and new year I reconnected with my Blends and remembered the joy of WordPress. I must post! I must post!

But no time – no time!!

So: Here, typed in one lump and with no pictures, is a machine gun of my recent thoughts…

1) I have to stop apologising for not reading other people enough – I keep thinking things will slow down… they don’t. So for the last time: I still love you and one day (in about 2030) life will be peaceful again and I’ll come visit your blogs!

2) I am now old enough to have reached equanimity. I can put myself forward with absolute confidence at work and feel I truly know myself and am comfortable with me. I have also spiritually matured to the point that corporations and corporate people make my flesh crawl. So I have acquired the ability to climb the pole at exactly the same rate as I’ve developed a total disinterest in climbing it! Good thing? Bad thing?

Probably just thing…

3) I have become massively annoyed at how many blog posts and websites say “The Ten Best …”

Ten tips for Windows 8 that’ll change your life!

Ten things you should know about Android phones

Ten best ways to anally worry cattle

and so on…

Yet when you get to the site it spends the first 1,000 words telling you why you need to know this crap…

For example:

10 ways to speed up Windows

Isn’t it annoying when you boot up windows and have to wait up to six minutes to start work. Yesterday I switched on my trusty laptop to download the anime porn version of Family Guy, only to wait four minutes for Explorer to open the first page. By then I’d already wasted a hanky and ended up just shutting down again.

This tedious pre-ambling is pointless. I KNOW WINDOWS IS SLOW!! I HAVE THE PROBLEM – THAT’S WHY I CAME HERE!!!

It’s a bit like going to see a therapist only for them to open the first session by telling you all about how their mother used to use their anus as a pencil case and then carry them to work strapped on her back like a human ruck-sack – ‘for sure this is why I became an analyst…’.

I came for a fix, not to hear someone else’s problems…

Then of course you find that in reality the TEN AMAZING WAYS to do whatever you want to do are actually THE TEN MOST OBVIOUS THINGS YOU’VE ALREADY DONE WEEKS AGO!

Having trouble with viruses on your computer… try these TEN AMAZING TIPS!

1) Get an anti-virus (wow, thanks, I’d never thought of that one!)

2) Don’t visit sites you don’t trust (why of course, until now that was ALL I did)

3) Always make sure the site is legitimate (every website should have a mummy site and a daddy site, and a certificate to prove they were married in holy weblock…)

4) If someone on facebook says “you look like a sexy pre-schooler” you should probably reject their friend request.

5) Never switch your computer on

6) Retreat to the wilderness and live without technology

and further useless ideas.

4) This numbering scheme has become confusing.

5) Being back at work has only served to deepen my sense that as a species we have completely lost our way.

This explanatory paragraph break should probably have come before number four. Putting it here only deepens the confusion.

F) Every day someone new follows my blog whom I never hear from again? Where did they come from? Why are they following me? Have they even read any of my stuff (and if they have – I ask again, why are you following me!?!?)

It would be delightful to think I really have over 500 people eagerly awaiting my next syntactical fart, but in reality I would guess less than five percent of those 500 actually read anything. So prove me wrong. If you’ve managed to claw your way through my ridiculous lexical fluff all this way, leave a comment – even if it’s just ‘Hi’, ‘Yo’ or ‘SHUT UP!’

G) There is no ‘G’.

And that’s it… the thirty minutes I allotted myself for the post is gone. Thirty minutes to try and read someone else before beddington… Thanks for reading me – have a nice day!! πŸ™‚


33 thoughts on “10 top ten things that turn out to be crap and not ten of them – of all time – ever!!

Add yours

  1. Oh Panda good to see you are still the crotchety so & so you were before you disappeared… you have been missed.

    Shall I cite you 10 reasons I am happy you are back, or perhaps the top 20 ways in which I noticed your absence or maybe create an alphabetized list highlighting the pros and cons of both your presence and your absence? HHmmm I shall get back to one this as there are so many options…

  2. Missed you much Panda….and thanks for showing your love at my blog, but you should have cleaned up after yourself!

  3. I knew befriending you was a good idea. I agree with most of what you said and the stuff I don’t completely agree with you about isn’t stuff I don’t agree with so much as I just don’t have an opinion. Welcome back, RoS.

  4. Such a funny post Panda, especially the bit where you called me beautiful…even if you weren’t. I can’t wait for the “7 Things…” follow up.
    The best work advice I’ve ever received was from Mr WG: “At some point, you have to tell you boss to fuck off.” Remember that’s always in your arsenal when the pole gets too greasy.

  5. OK, for an anti-virus pour some Nyquil into any USB slot (USB means U Sleep Better).
    Your think Windows is slow? Me thinks you is just too fast. Stop drinking all that coffee. Or buying software from Microsloth.

    And, geez, now he thinks I’m following him. Too much coffee is making you paranoid!

  6. see the problem here is some people read the end first (you know who you are) so maybe if they then post a comment they haven;t really read to the end at all
    There are bad people on the Internet and not all of them are looking for sexy pre-schoolers. Some of them like pandas instead.
    I’m so sorry – I don;t know what came over me! Thank you for making me laugh with this post πŸ™‚

    1. There’s a shocking joke in there, but perhaps when I know you better. I’m practising safe cyber-sex, so if you want my good panda loving, you’ll have to fight Madame Weebles for it πŸ˜‰

      1. I suspect I was verging on being a bit OTT myself but decided to be good for once πŸ™‚
        And I don’t want to upset Mme W! She just won’t fall down

      1. Life is freakin’ fantastic! The only way it could be better is if it started raining money πŸ™‚ I wish there was a way for me to spread the joy directly.

        Well, okay, my day started out having to scrape ice off my car and duck poo out of the dog’s mouth, but at least the sun is shining and I am employed…

    1. Hi Benze, Hello and – you’re most welcome! I’m an intermittent blogger these days but always delighted and bemused in equal measure when someone chooses to read my fartical musings πŸ™‚

You can tell me anything (yes, even that!)

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