I want to be good, but I also love boobies!

I am seeking the feedback of those marvellous women who, for unfathomable reasons, choose to regularly digest this Panda’s offerings.

The following thought struck me as I passed an Ann Summers shop today.

I hate Ann Summers.

The why of this can be summarised very simply – because there is no Stan Summers.

canic1Ann Summers is predicated on the notion that it is the woman’s job to look sexy, and the man’s role to look at her and enjoy it.

Well bollocks to that.

Everywhere women are the object of stares – their faces predominate on billboards, their’s is the smiling face in the corner of a website with the help desk headset on, they drape over cars, straddle bikes, pout for lipstick and even attempt to make diet cornflakes sexy!

As a man I struggle sometimes to remember that there is more to a woman than tits. This isn’t because I’m a misogynist, it’s because my poor brain is assaulted so regularly with sexualised images of women that it’s animal half cannot help but respond to all women as if they were decorative meat.

A lot of us want to, honestly!
A lot of us want to, honestly!

To be more than a slavering monkey takes continual effort, and I resent that. I resent the fact that in order to be a decent human being I have to fight against the tide, continually correcting for the ‘bad-programming’ of cultural objectification.

I was next struck by the thought that men and women do things for different reasons. I know – I am a sociology Ninja!

Women appear to do things for two reasons: because the things need doing or because the things are pleasurable to do.

Men, on the other hand do things for a variety of reasons which really amount to the same thing. They do things because theyΒ believe:

Other penis replacements include: cars, hand-tools, house extensions, sports bats, laptops... almost anything!
Other penis replacements include: cars, hand-tools, house extensions, sports bats, laptops… almost anything!
  • It will make them appear to have large equipment
  • Friends will be envious
  • Women will make their lady gardens available
  • Other men will feel inadequate, reducing competition for lady-gardens
  • Mummy will say ‘well done’
  • Daddy will be proud

Essentially, men do things because they want to be seen doing them. This means that men rarely concentrate fully on what they’re doing, since they have to devote some effort to ensuring and checking their audience.

It would appear that this is why women are better at things than men, because women do things for their own sake and pay attention to what they do.

At the same time there is an obvious contradiction here. If men want so badly to be seen, why is it women who are pushed constantly onto the stage?

I referenced several Carry On... films for these hilarious japes...
I referenced several Carry On… films for these hilarious japes…

So this is my call. I want Ann Summers revamped to Stan Summers.

Everywhere I want billboards with women replaced. Instead of ladies in reduced clothing let’s have men pushing out their crotches, pointing to their little bulges and winking. Then perhaps they will see what monumental dicks they so often are, in all the wrong senses!

I'm not sure this is helping my cause actually...
I’m not sure this is helping my cause actually…

Stan Summers can be given over to displaying men – in whatever garment women decide they want to see men wearing.

What say you?

Are you with me? And what shall you have me wear? The best suggestion may even get a picture drawn of their outfit – on Mr Panda!

And ladies – are there other reasons you do things? What’s the female equivalent of replacing your penis with a car?

60 thoughts on “I want to be good, but I also love boobies!

Add yours

  1. Oh, you poor, poor men. We women do not replace anything on our bodies with cars–because our bodies are already everywhere, selling the improbable, and looking unbelievably sexual doing it. Who we are, what we think, what we do, and how we behave are so often predicated on how attractive we are physically, whether we are too fat or too thin, whether our breasts are the right degree or breastiness I would have to say nothing replaces us. We simply go around comparing ourselves to some impossible ideal, and suffering because of it.

    1. That sounds awful, and very true – sad.
      If it’s any consolation, I’m amazingly beautiful, incredibly intelligent… pretty much the most wonderful human being I know – yet I have no friends! Imagine! πŸ˜‰

      1. Men delighting in tities makes the world go round.
        Woman imagine, not touching like men do when they look, but being the alluring beauty.
        When you drape a scantily clad hot man over anything you attract men with that taste not woman.
        The way woman look at six packs is not even in the same galaxy as men looking at woman.
        Men who assault woman are not evil. It’s a loss of control woman hardly have any idea how hard this control is and how much effort and practice it takes. For men it is also not having the remotest clue, not understanding, having no point of reference to the harm he is causing, usually. Words and woman bitching doesn’t help a man who doesn’t, understand. Touching a woman’s body for a man is like being starving and surrounded by your fav foods in a room where no one is looking and you are not supposed to touch anything and you can’t leave to get your own. After a while….One teeny bite won’t hurt anyone.
        I realized some men even feel that woman have all the yummy and they are hungry but the woman are mean and won’t share.
        Not all men are exactly primitive and don’t get it. I just mean that it is incomprehensibly more challenging for a man. Kudos to all men for actually making it out of beast-hood and becoming so honorable and fine even though it is a challenge that woman neither understand nor appreciate. Not all men are there. More cudos to those who are.
        If boobies don’t completely overpower your mind, men, you are either dead dying gay or overstimulated by porn. It is supposed to be thins way.
        Men are not perverted versions of woman. Men are meant to be men, and overpowered and lose control before a woman’s beauty. It’s part of a delicious design that turns the world. Advertising didn’t make it this way. If you can still control and restrain yourself and be a man in that moment then you are among the best men I know.
        Seriously, if the man I love didn’t practically lose his mind over my unveiled beauty the wold would suck! Every woman has such a beauty to unveil. The idea that she doesn’t is closer to bs advertising.
        Guess I really have an opinion about this!

      2. Holy Granola Batgirl! You said a mouthful there!
        I agree that men are very sexually motivated – I wouldn’t like to say if its nature or nurture.
        Equally, if we don’t breed we die, so it’s gotta be a pretty strong impulse.
        It’s very tricky ground though. I think we literally lose all sense when dealing with sexual crime (look at the media in the UK – celeb sex scandal etc.) – or even sex at all. At the same time it is extremely harmful.
        As I have posited before – if little Jonny falls down, do we calmly walk up and soothe him? Or run at him screaming that he’ll probably die? So I believe that a lot of psychological harm from sexual crime comes not from the crime but from the public response to it. Which is not to deny the harm …
        Damn it. I’m going to have to write a post on this…
        Hugs to you Way – A very balanced view πŸ˜€

  2. Nah
    Woman me included have zero desire to see a man including Brad Pitt draped over anything.
    Doing something. Something strong.
    Please do not drape yourself over anything. I don’t like woman in that way but woman are beautiful draped over anything even veggie stands. But thats still not the best a woman has to offer. It is the lowest common denominator. Just like a man looking strong rather than actually risking being strong. Being. for both men and woman takes lots more vulnerabuility. I don’t know how to shift from the acting like to the actual being. Woman’s essence is I believe beauty and man’s must be strangth becouse thats what we desire from eachother. I prefer to stay beautiful. I like you strong. Writing open and vulnerable is strangth. And you are mad.

    1. Fabulous Way – it’s true – we must be equal in rights and respect, yet true to what we are – a tricky business.
      Making the shift can only be done by hearing the song inside you, then searching out those who dance to a similar tune πŸ™‚
      Being oneself is a myth – we are generated from both within – and from others. We are not individuals, but locii of all.
      Hmm. Perhaps I am mad :-~

  3. As a woman, I have no desire to see men in sexually provocative poses selling anything. For me, it is about the mind. Advertising of women in that way perhaps is geared primarily for men who earn more money on the dollar, and some women feel they must live up to this standard of beauty to fit into the world advertising creates. Have your Stan Summers man be able to fix a garbage disposal, change the oil, pick up his own socks and spend more time with his significant other than he does with the TV remote.

    1. Duly noted Birdy – My Stan doesn’t even have a telly!
      If it’s all about brains, does that mean men are going to start stuffing socks into their heads!?!

  4. I think since we have a Hooters, we should have a Weiners. Not because I want to see penises (I’m not really interested in that part as long as it works, sorry) but because fair is fair.

    1. Absolutely! It may be socially constructed, or simple aesthetics, but damn that penis is ugly (like a chicken hanging from a sharks mouth) – but Weiners it is!

    2. Like the male strip clubs, it will go out of business. The only male strip cub I know of LeBears has to travel like a circus for a few months to each city. Meant to go at least once. Still on the bucket list. Interest peaked about 10 years ago. Never found the “time”. Regular strips are crowded. Time is handy.
      We are wired opposite.

  5. My advice (not that you asked for it…oh, wait…I think you kind of did by default):
    1- Kill Your Television
    2- For God’s sake stay away from malls!!
    A lot seems to happen to the mind simply by removing the source of stimuli….kind of like removing a splinter lessens the likely-hood of infection.
    Not that I can really talk.
    I am a guy.
    I. Love. Boobs.
    Always have.
    Always will, I presume…

    1. What’s not to love – but I do wonder – if we bimbled about with our bits out all the time, wouldn’t boobs become less interesting, and sex more about emotional and intellectual intimacy?
      I don’t have a telly, or visit malls, and I wrote this, so your advice seems to pan out πŸ™‚

      1. Yeah, it usually does. Since I’m on a roll…have you thought of taking up writing satirical socio-political essays or perhaps playing the guitar? πŸ˜‰
        I am of the opinion that manly bits are just inherently less aesthetically pleasing to look at than lady bits,
        Even for ladies…

      2. And I think perhaps that if we dangled our wangles about, women would be even less interested in us. They’re smarter than that. Hence the male penchant for comparing the relative value of penis substitutes–I think most women don’t care about such things, its more for our benefit, or detriment as may well be.

  6. I had to Google Ann Summers.

    I’m okay with the concept of men draped suggestively over cars, but I fear the reality wouldn’t live up to the imagination. Instead, we’d get Ron Jeremy suggestively draped over a car and literally no one wants that. Not even Ron Jeremy.

    1. Agreed. Both on having to google, and how terribly this idea would pan out, haha. I like the sociological point made, though– the first cartoon says the whole post succinctly. πŸ™‚

      1. Hi Rara! It would not be good would it. Let’s all keep our clothes on methinks! (Although obviously I am super hot under this fur!)

      2. I second everyone keeping their clothes on. For every greased-up Adonis six pack, you’ll get three hirsute beer bellies, also greased up… with lard.

  7. Thanks for writing about this. This is a central issue to me giving up television in 2002. Not enough naked fawning men draped over breakfast cereal boxes and vacuums. I’m hetero. I may be married but I’m not dead. πŸ˜‰

    You think it’s women’s idea to have women draped naked over things? You silly Panda. It’s marketing. Why do you think the television is called the “boob tube” in the US? (rhetorical question).

    Check out Broadblogs look at gender in advertising. Here are remakes of common ads with men and good discussion of this issue.


    Keep ranting, Panda.

    1. Stan Summers Oaty Bites?
      I don’t think it’s women’s idea Alice, where did you get that idea? I’m a most progressive Panda!
      I read BBlogs – good, well researched stuff. I almost linked to her in the post but I think I’m a little irreverent!
      Congrats on kicking the TV – it’s hard, but strangely life-changing πŸ˜€

      1. My brain occupied with our impending international move (France). Sorry if I misread you, Sweetie.

        I love BB. I don’t think you’re too irreverent.You’re just barely irreverent enough.:-)

        Kicking television was harder than stopping cigarettes and haunted me longer. Yes. VERY life changing. It was one of the better moves of my life.

        Confession: I’ve been “chipping”, watching the French news in an attempt to get my language understanding up a notch.

        All my best to the “Progressive Panda”. πŸ˜‰


      2. Is ll good my lovely – I do hope the move goes well. Watching telly in a language you don’t understand is allowed! It’s ok πŸ˜‰

      3. I get bits and pieces, sometimes a whole story sometimes not much more than zero.

        I like reading the news articles to see what I think it’s about then putting it through Google translate to see what it was REALLY about. There was a story a while back about a french fisherman being caught by a croc off the coast of Australia. He whacked the croc in the head and got away. I was sure I was wrong. But this really was the story.

        Blast off from the Denver airport June 24th to Paris.

        You are very sweet, Panda.

  8. For the most part its about consumerism – male consumerism. Men are very visual – a biological fact – and seeing women draped over fast cars allows men to dream about the car … about the breasty woman, essentially setting them up to fork over money for a package that most of them won’t ever get. Women have been trained through advertising and societal expectation that they have to appear a certain way in order to “capture” a man. All of it is fake and very sad, for both men and women.

  9. Two wrongs don’t make a right, Mr Panda!
    But can I see you draped seductively over the logo of Mr Cameron’s party? You already have the come to bed eyes but I want more of a pout…you know, like you really want (to be) a member.

  10. Can we see the bear in his underwear? Or perhaps the fully ‘tranny thing’. I don’t give a 2nd thought to females draped over anything. Like with most advertising the allure of the female is to entice the male, it’s a pack thing, the primal desires are of the male are met by the opposite sex. I’m not going to stand up on my soap box and say “Women are being exploited”. Rubbish. Us women can use our sex appeal to our advantage more so than you men, if the fairer ‘sex’ sells by using their bodies in advertising so be it. Who is it harming? As far as bill boards go? A male with a six pack and low hung jeans I would probably cause major traffic congestions.

    1. For me, it is harming women. As long as they ‘use their sexuality’ they are seen as only sexual things. The vicious attacks on women abroad, and those in this country, come in part because women are seen as ‘just bodies’ it’s ok to use.
      The notion that “Girl Power” involves women voluntarily showing men their tits instead of being made to is a sick farce. As ‘civilised’ beings we need to move beyond evaluating everything for its sexual potential. Sex is great, bodies are lovely, but no-one is so small they can be defined only by these things and not be cramped and harmed by it.

      1. Alas I am too tired to get into too much of a polite debate over this. I am not condoning women flashing their tits for advertising purposes. Men who take a step too far by attacking or abusing women do so because they are sick individuals. I do not think that a women displayed on a billboard or advertising is the cause. If a good looking male with 6 pack was advertised to the extent that women are – would the women take on a pack like mentality .. I think not. We are what we are and as I have said in a previous comment, all of this has been going on for centuries…will one or 2 change it no.I agree as you say there is nothing wrong in the human body or sexuality – women are not defined…and if they are it is of their own choosing is it not? If men could look at the female form without ‘taking matters that extra mile’ life indeed would be a better place. For what it’s worth that’s my bit. The majority of us are civilised men and women. Advertisements should not change that, unless of course, as I said they are pathetic sick individuals, who lust over the female form be it innocent or not. Oh Mr. P you bring out the worst in me πŸ™‚

  11. I really liked this post, mainly cos it relates awesomely to a blog I’m writing at the moment. There’s basically a thing called ‘cleavage Thursday’ when women on twitter are encouraged to put up pictures of themselves in underwear and the one that is viewed as ‘sexiest’ by a board of MEN gets …. Nothing… Maybe a retweet and sexual assault. Now I love underwear and pants, so don’t really have anything against Anne summers, because I feel nice in them, not because of men, but where are all my six packs I ask of you?!
    Anyway for the drawing I’d love to see some form of hairy male jammed into a school girl outfit while simultaneously re-enacting the blowtorch scene from that film from that time

    1. Cripes! Cleavage Thursday sounds like some awful anachronism from 70’s penthouse – can’t believe anyone would post a pic?
      Hmm, school uniform – so a sort of Britney Spears – Bradley Spears? I have no idea which film you mean, but I’m wincing at the possibilities!

      1. Haha I know, and yes! I’ll link you into the blog when I post it, SO many girls get involved! On the one hand we’re meant to be at the forefront of sexual liberation for women where we can do what we want with our bodies, on the other I don’t see men doing the same thing? So what’s liberated about that?

        Bradley Spears should definitely be thrown into the mix, flash dance was the film I think, the image was just really funny in my head. I also thought the sort of gender-role mix up may work well without getting too into it!

      2. Oh yes, I know the scene now… and it means I can add ‘ballet socks’ – or whatever those awful “leg scarves” are called… It’s a must!
        Also mentioning the “Slut marches” of last year – why does “doing what we like with our bodies” always seem to mean showing men those bodies? Grr… Looking forward to your post πŸ™‚

      3. Yay! Definitely want to see how this picture turns out! True, though in fairness I’d probably put the slut walks in a different category simply because of why they came about, dressing like a slut still doesn’t give anyone the excuse to rape you. Also in the words of a prophet, whose apparently a pretty big deal, ‘IT IS FINISHED!’ Except here I’m talking about the blog, would love to hear what you think πŸ™‚ http://welcometothealternateplanet.wordpress.com/2013/05/19/torso-tuesday-challenging-true-lads/

  12. I buy purses. Shitloads of purses. They make me feel all hot and sexy.
    I would love to see you wearing a pair of those edible undies they make, preferably chocolate. No doubt if you did that, chances of lady garden assess triples. πŸ˜‰ Oooo lala.

  13. I do see a lot of images of guys with bulging muscles, etc, but they’re mostly ads aimed at gay men. Stan Summers would be an interesting store, though. I’m thinking guys using power tools, guys rescuing kittens, etc. Wearing jeans that enhance the rear view and t-shirts to show off the biceps. I’m a simple gal, I don’t ask for much.

    As for women, well, we have different ways than men, of course. If we show off, we’re showing off to the men or trying to make other women jealous. For the men, obviously it’s showing off skin, etc. To flaunt it in front of other women, a lot of chicks show off designer handbags or shoes, expensive jewelry, etc.

    Objectification of women is harmful but so many women are complicit and willing participants, because they get results from it. And until advertisers no longer profit from such objectification, it will continue. Objectification of men will always be somewhat different because women are motivated differently. Having said that, I’ll always enjoy watching guys strut their stuff.

    I think I’d enjoy seeing Panda in a Roman Centurion outfit, personally.

    1. Cool – so far I’m a Roman Centurion Panda in a school-girl outfit with edible chocolate panties!
      It’s a sick crowd out there!

      How would you buy “kitten rescue”? Great idea though. Pay Stan Summers and they set it up so you can rescue a cat in front of your girl… Hmm – biz plan coming up!

  14. Thanks for turning the world upside down, Panda, and offering a glimpse. And yeah, I would definitely like to see more Brad Pitts decorating stuff.

  15. Hm… I love boobies too. “Lady gardens” – ha. That is precious – never heard that one before but I plan to use. Now, when I invite some dude to my garden [an actual flower garden] it will take on a whole new meaning [which I will clearly keep to myself]? πŸ™‚

  16. perfectly said, Mike – i am glad i found this.
    perfect examples of how modern society shapes us… women “have to” be pretty, men “have to” look and admire. it is a picture that’s been imprinted on our brain tissue from day 1. exactly the reason why women are being laughed at if they state something remotely feministic – and why men are being dismissed when they tell a beautiful girl ‘i like you for your character’… the ‘yeah, right’ leaps to the tips of our tongues.
    i believe, if we are aware of these issues, we can handle them differently. but of course, it’s hard to fight habit.

    personally, i think neither men nor women should be draped over anything, because it reduces our worth.
    … but if you absolutely have to, try a chicken suit (yep, i didn’t say cock for a reason)… might give you extra credit while displaying the ‘eggs’… πŸ˜‰

    (p.s.: finally added you to my ‘brilliant blogs’ section… long overdue – hope you don’t mind!)

    1. Thanks Miriam, why would I mind!?
      My own great blogs page is well overdue a rewrite too. No time, no time!
      My computer just crashed and lost me a weeks writing, gutted. But once I’ve caught up i’ll be back to read and rant some more.
      Hope your doing well in all things.

      1. oh yes, i know the ‘no time issue’ all too well… there’s way too little time left for writing these days…
        give your computer a ‘nudge’ from me… πŸ˜‰ chin up, Panda!

  17. Hey RoS, really enjoyed this – will share. Thank you for dealing with this subject in a humorous and silly way, whilst making a great point and highlighting the ridiculous so eloquently.
    Your drawings continue to be fabulous. I just shared the ‘look at Rolf’ one over on FB. Great stuff.
    I’ve been away from WP a while, but will definitely get back onto my blog, and reading your fantastic offerings!

    1. Thanks Danu πŸ™‚ I rarely WP at the moment but miss it. One day I shall return more regularly, meanwhile I am inspired by such high praise from a sharp mind. I’ll be writing just a tiny rant for today I think.

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