I’m following Speaker 7’s unsurpassable top 10 movies theme – because:
- she’s brilliant
- I’m too lazy to think of my own post
- “top 10” lists and “New Year” will probably get lots of Google traffic
- In reality Panda will be at home for lack of babysitters and will end the year crying into a glass of cheap Cava with Mrs Panda as they wonder why they ever had children instead of emigrating and spending major holidays finding semi-public places to perform lewd acts upon each other like when they were young… and so this post is just a fantasy of all the things we might have done and as close as we’ll get to doing them.
I would say pick the one you think is the right answer, but they are plainly all the right answer.
To celebrate New Years, most of you will head out to a bar or club, get wasted, put other peoples appendages into yourself in regrettable incidents that result in an embarrassing trip to the clinic, and wake in a pool of your own vomit in the bed of the Clinic Nurse who had found you disease free but now has some bad news…
To rescue you from this horror, here are the top 10 alternative ways to spend New Years.
10. Come to Panda’s house and look after his kids so he and Mrs Panda can sneak into a posh restaurant, eat the most expensive dish on the menu, felate each other in the WC and then do a runner. There’s a warm bottle of cheap Cava in it for you, and a bamboo jacuzzi!
9. For an alternative to tradition, try the new Panda Co. Parenting course for New Years. Sign up by December 30th, and PandaCo will drop off two ‘test-children’ to your house so that you can experience parenting before you decide whether to have your own. The Whole course is only £29.99 and you get a free bottle of Cava!
8. PandaCo are offering something daring and exciting for you this year. Have you ever wanted to be dangerous? Have you ever wanted to be bad? Yeah baby, we know you have – so try the all new PandaCo Krazy Kidnapper! Now you too can abduct and extort like the professionals!
Kidnap two small children, tie them up and keep them in your home. Make ransom demands by email and mobile, then devise and enact “the-drop”. (The drop can only be made after 4pm on Jan 1st and must be made in a quiet place!)
Children, rope and email address provided on the day. All for only £59.99!**
**Offer not open to Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter, Conservative MP’s or staff from care homes.
7. Dream Job for a Day!!
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to work for a big name company, one of those world-spanning brands like Nike, Nestle or Microsoft? Now you can try your dream job with PandaCo.
We supply a cheap plastic badge with ‘Chairman’ on it and a small room filled with badly maintained machinery (it may look a lot like a run-down kitchen), plus two child-labour slaves who will work through the night as you bark instructions and conspicuously eat rich food while offering only water and mouldy bread to them. All this for just £35.75, and it comes with a free bottle of sparkling wine! (Other luxurious food not provided).
Okay, so you may see a pattern here. Perhaps we should look at some real alternatives…
6. Mary Poppins Theme Night! Take two difficult children and…
Nope, sorry. Trying again.
5. The Jurassic Experience!! PandaCo will provide an area of land and some lizards, with two frightened children… bugger…
4. The Herbie Goes Bananas Ride. We provide the beaten up car and the excited children… arseholes…
3. Why not have a fabulous Big Corporation Boss kidnapper tries parenting in a Panda’s house dressed as Mary-Poppin’s in a beaten up car being chased by a huge Lizard experience!
2. Take the children… their nice! Just one night?! PLEEEEAASSE!!
1. Fuck you then, I hope the clinic nurse has something really nasty.
Happy New Year my arse!