Top 10 ways to spend your new year!

I’m following Speaker 7’s unsurpassable top 10 movies theme – because:

  • she’s brilliant
  • I’m too lazy to think of my own post
  • “top 10” lists and “New Year” will probably get lots of Google traffic
  • In reality Panda will be at home for lack of babysitters and will end the year crying into a glass of cheap Cava with Mrs Panda as they wonder why they ever had children instead of emigrating and spending major holidays finding semi-public places to perform lewd acts upon each other like when they were young… and so this post is just a fantasy of all the things we might have done and as close as we’ll get to doing them.

I would say pick the one you think is the right answer, but they are plainly all the right answer.


A couple "fail to expand their lives with children"
A couple “fail to expand their lives with children”
The NHS is not without its risks
The NHS is not without its risks

To celebrate New Years, most of you will head out to a bar or club, get wasted, put other peoples appendages into yourself in regrettable incidents that result in an embarrassing trip to the clinic, and wake in a pool of your own vomit in the bed of the Clinic Nurse who had found you disease free but now has some bad news…

To rescue you from this horror, here are the top 10 alternative ways to spend New Years.

10. Come to Panda’s house and look after his kids so he and Mrs Panda can sneak into a posh restaurant, eat the most expensive dish on the menu, felate each other in the WC and then do a runner. There’s a warm bottle of cheap Cava in it for you, and a bamboo jacuzzi!

9. For an alternative to tradition, try the new Panda Co. Parenting course for New Years. Sign up by December 30th, and PandaCo will drop off two ‘test-children’ to your house so that you can experience parenting before you decide whether to have your own. The Whole course is only £29.99 and you get a free bottle of Cava!

8. PandaCo are offering something daring and exciting for you this year. Have you ever wanted to be dangerous? Have you ever wanted to be bad? Yeah baby, we know you have – so try the all new PandaCo Krazy Kidnapper! Now you too can abduct and extort like the professionals!

The small print had not been sufficiently examined by the customer
The small print had not been sufficiently examined by the customer

Kidnap two small children, tie them up and keep them in your home. Make ransom demands by email and mobile, then devise and enact “the-drop”. (The drop can only be made after 4pm on Jan 1st and must be made in a quiet place!)

Children, rope and email address provided on the day. All for only £59.99!**

**Offer not open to Jimmy Savile, Gary Glitter, Conservative MP’s or staff from care homes.

7. Dream Job for a Day!!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to work for a big name company, one of those world-spanning brands like Nike, Nestle or Microsoft? Now you can try your dream job with PandaCo.

We supply a cheap plastic badge with ‘Chairman’ on it and a small room filled with badly maintained machinery (it may look a lot like a run-down kitchen), plus two child-labour slaves who will work through the night as you bark instructions and conspicuously eat rich food while offering only water and mouldy bread to them. All this for just £35.75, and it comes with a free bottle of sparkling wine! (Other luxurious food not provided).

Okay, so you may see a pattern here. Perhaps we should look at some real alternatives…

6. Mary Poppins Theme Night! Take two difficult children and…

Nope, sorry. Trying again.

5. The Jurassic Experience!! PandaCo will provide an area of land and some lizards, with two frightened children… bugger…

4. The Herbie Goes Bananas Ride. We provide the beaten up car and the excited children… arseholes…

3. Why not have a fabulous Big Corporation Boss kidnapper tries parenting in a Panda’s house dressed as Mary-Poppin’s in a beaten up car being chased by a huge Lizard experience!

2. Take the children… their nice! Just one night?! PLEEEEAASSE!!

1. Fuck you then, I hope the clinic nurse has something really nasty.

Happy New Year my arse!


36 thoughts on “Top 10 ways to spend your new year!

Add yours

  1. Oh dear, were the kids being particularly childlike today (why does nobody warn you how bloody needy they are, eh?).
    And can I ask, do female pandas have willies too? It’s just that when you say you’ll felate each other I’m confused and I don’t want to have to hit Google again…

  2. Thanks for the brilliant remark. It makes me feel smart while I sit in a recliner watching the Dr. Phil show. Like you, I am trapped by a small child on NYE and I don’t even have a warm bottle of Cava.

  3. I would totally volunteer to spoil your children insane for a night if I lived closer. My Mom taught me well how to turn a normal child into a raving monster with generous applications of sugar, cheap plastic gifts, water pistols and unlimited access to annoying cartoons with theme songs that just won’t die. She would then hand him back with a huge smile on her face…I think I’ve mostly recovered from the trauma…surely the twitch in my left eye is unrelated…So sorry for your New Year’s dilemma.

  4. So what you are trying to say here is that you want to palm off your offspring?
    You could do what many are doing and whack them on a boat and send them forth to Australia. Mind you they would have to stay in the Detention Centre till processed – but they do get Internet and TV and all of life’s pleasures whilst waiting! So IF I lived in the UK – I’d go for # 8 or 9 please 🙂
    You idiot 😉

  5. Wow, Panda. I will swap kids with you for the night. Mine are a precocious 5 year old boy who will try to negotiate everything with you including letting him repel down from the second story and put his sister’s new Barbies in their convertible, tape a dozen bottle rockets to them and light them up in the middle of the street (you know you’d be totally in on that one) and a 2 year old girl who will be vomiting every 60 minutes (almost on command) and then will smile her 1,000-watt smile and convince you that she’s “feeling much better now, can I have a popsicle?”

    If any of your scenarios for finding a babysitter work out, let me know. If you live near Cheshire, I can probably get my husband’s Geordie ex to babysit. God knows she is not doing anything but Vodka shots and eating a box of Wispas on her own.

  6. Lol. This is too funny. Honestly have nothing planned for New Years as usual. I just go bowling during the day with friends. If I lived closer, I’d actually watch them. They sound like we’d get along all to well. Scary thought.

  7. I could send a teenager to be your live in nanny? That would solve both of our problems.. plus give you plenty of breaking in for the real hell of parenting– teenville

You can tell me anything (yes, even that!)

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Gabriela LeBaron

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Writers write. The rest make excuses.

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