I am having a bad week – I really am – but this Blog is my escape from all that so I’m not going to witter about all the tedious details. I mention it because it offers context to the following splenetic carnival of ranting.
I got nominated for some blithering arse-fest a couple of weeks ago – the very insulting bastard – the very insipid blagger – the vain admiring blabber – some crap like that.
I was surprised because we, nominator and I, had stopped reading each other a while ago.
So I dropped by and read on her latest post that she’d just had a big dose of buggery-plop. To be fair, her life is in a constant state of buggery, so it was not an enormous change.
I didn’t want to fulfil my promise of being mean to people who nominated me if she was unaware AND full of recent buggerisation, so I left a comment asking if she really knew what she was doing by nominating me (I do have a warning page!) and consoling her for the latest plop.
A day or so later, hearing nothing, I checked back. My comment had been approved, but there was no way she could have read it and not replied – so it seemed clear that:- she nominated me at random, she wasn’t reading my blog and she didn’t even read my comment. Even the particular brand of life buggering she was enjoying did not excuse such utter rudeness.
Still, being as all the buggery was happening I just thought, balls to it all, and deleted her award comment without approving or acknowledging it.
That’s how rude I am, I didn’t even politely decline the award. Say boo and send me pooh chocolates.
That’s how nice I am – I didn’t unleash the rant or point at her and say ‘faker!!’. Say ahh and send me flowers.
You choose one – I don’t bloody know.
Reality Enchanted on the other hand should know better.
There’s no indication of imminent mental illness, in fact he alleges that he’s interested in psychiatry, so I have a question.
What, Enchanted, does it say about a person that they choose to nominate Panda for an award, after all the warnings?! Physician, diagnose thy self.
Yay, I’ve been nominated. I couldn’t be more pleased if Enchanted had paid private investigators to discover my home address and then come round to my house, smashed his way through my lounge window and left a giant turd under my tree.
I’m too nice to say nasty things about Enchanted’s blog, since it’s not very good and so that would be mean. If his poetry wasn’t so awful and his site not such a mess I might rant about it, but I’m too kind, just too kind.
So, if I’m not going to mock his doggerel and poorly structured writings, what can I do?
Well, it offers me the random opportunity to say that the whole ‘snow falling’ WordPress gimmick is possibly the most annoying piece of pointless techno-fuck-wittery I’ve seen since the “What’s the weather like 10 meters from where I’m standing” app for Android.
Have you ever said to yourself, gosh, this reading business just isn’t hard enough? What I really need is someone throwing dust in my face every time I pick up a book?
No, neither have I. I do not want my blog reading experience to be turned into some bizarre “optical-extreme-sport”. I don’t want to finish reading an article to find I’m now hallucinating a swarm of flies cascading down my lounge wall.
Lastly, I’m not twelve. Even when I was twelve, snow-globes were the most pointless gift in the universe, requiring actual effort for the shortest and emptiest reward known to man.
Turn the f*ing snow off – it is digital diarrhoea. What next – a Kindle reader that delivers random electric shocks while you read?!
(But massive kudos for the new “hits/visitors” chart in the stats WP – it rocks!)
B(rown-stinky)log of the year
The other thing I can do is re-visit my utter hatred for this particular award. The blog-of-the-year.
Last time I got this, a fellow blogger also got it, and decided to bend the rules a bit (as opposed to my choice of screwing the rules into a tight ball and forcing it up the awards special place).
She got a response from the award originators telling her off!! Warning her to obey *booming voice of authority* THE ORIGINAL RULES!!
Award fascism is here! I mean, come on. The awards are just a way of one blogger saying “you’re nice” to another – they’re a made up, digital chain-letter of fluff, piss and emptiness – not the Koran. My advice is, if you’re going to get precious about your award, don’t make it so utterly shit. Better yet, don’t make it at all. You are beneath contempt. But have some anyway…
You have a Facebook page, stars to collect and DEMAND a link back to the ORIGINAL award page. If that’s not viral marketing I’m a goats testicle.
I didn’t get told off last time, because I didn’t link back – and guess what, I’m not linking back. I want to, because I want those precious bell-ends to know how much scorn I am raining on their pathetic little heads – but I will not market twats.
As ever, I have a page which I try and keep up to date of all the people I follow. I think they’re good, or I wouldn’t follow them. If you want nominations, click any of them at random and say Panda sent you and nominates you for the “Not a fucking award” award.
I don’t answer questions about me – if you want to know, read my Blog – I thought that was the point. This isn’t a speed-dating site. I show as much as I want and I’m not going to wiggle my dangly bits in front of people because some Award-bandit knob-peice DEMANDS that I obey the rules!
Finally. If I was so needy I wanted to collect ‘virtual stars’ for my ‘virtual awards’ on my ‘virtual blog’, I’d be living somewhere they don’t allow sharp objects and writing this in crayon.