Another award has hit me like a turd-pasty in the face!

I am having a bad week – I really am – but this Blog is my escape from all that so I’m not going to witter about all the tedious details. I mention it because it offers context to the following splenetic carnival of ranting.


I got nominated for some blithering arse-fest a couple of weeks ago – the very insulting bastard – the very insipid blagger – the vain admiring blabber – some crap like that.

I was surprised because we, nominator and I, had stopped reading each other a while ago.

So I dropped by and read on her latest post that she’d just had a big dose of buggery-plop. To be fair, her life is in a constant state of buggery, so it was not an enormous change.

I didn’t want to fulfil my promise of being mean to people who nominated me if she was unaware AND full of recent buggerisation, so I left a comment asking if she really knew what she was doing by nominating me (I do have a warning page!) and consoling her for the latest plop.

Well it would at least explain some of the winners
Well it would at least explain some of the winners

A day or so later, hearing nothing, I checked back. My comment had been approved, but there was no way she could have read it and not replied – so it seemed clear that:- she nominated me at random, she wasn’t reading my blog and she didn’t even read my comment. Even the particular brand of life buggering she was enjoying did not excuse such utter rudeness.

Still, being as all the buggery was happening I just thought, balls to it all, and deleted her award comment without approving or acknowledging it.

That’s how rude I am, I didn’t even politely decline the award. Say boo and send me pooh chocolates.

That’s how nice I am – I didn’t unleash the rant or point at her and say ‘faker!!’. Say ahh and send me flowers.

You choose one – I don’t bloody know.


Reality Enchanted on the other hand should know better.

There’s no indication of imminent mental illness, in fact he alleges that he’s interested in psychiatry, so I have a question.

What, Enchanted, does it say about a person that they choose to nominate Panda for an award, after all the warnings?! Physician, diagnose thy self.

Presents are always good... um.
Presents are always good… um.

Yay, I’ve been nominated. I couldn’t be more pleased if Enchanted had paid private investigators to discover my home address and then come round to my house, smashed his way through my lounge window and left a giant turd under my tree.

I’m too nice to say nasty things about Enchanted’s blog, since it’s not very good and so that would be mean. If his poetry wasn’t so awful and his site not such a mess I might rant about it, but I’m too kind, just too kind.

This is a common misconception.
This is a common misconception.

So, if I’m not going to mock his doggerel and poorly structured writings, what can I do?

Well, it offers me the random opportunity to say that the whole ‘snow falling’ WordPress gimmick is possibly the most annoying piece of pointless techno-fuck-wittery I’ve seen since the “What’s the weather like 10 meters from where I’m standing” app for Android.

Have you ever said to yourself, gosh, this reading business just isn’t hard enough? What I really need is someone throwing dust in my face every time I pick up a book?

No, neither have I. I do not want my blog reading experience to be turned into some bizarre “optical-extreme-sport”. I don’t want to finish reading an article to find I’m now hallucinating a swarm of flies cascading down my lounge wall.

Why have you done this WP, Why!?!?
Why have you done this WP, Why!?!?
The year after he bought me a puppy I didn't want.Oh it was carnage.
The year after he bought me a puppy I didn’t want.
Oh it was carnage.

Lastly, I’m not twelve. Even when I was twelve, snow-globes were the most pointless gift in the universe, requiring actual effort for the shortest and emptiest reward known to man.

Turn the f*ing snow off – it is digital diarrhoea. What next – a Kindle reader that delivers random electric shocks while you read?!

(But massive kudos for the new “hits/visitors” chart in the stats WP – it rocks!)

ย B(rown-stinky)log of the year

The other thing I can do is re-visit my utter hatred for this particular award. The blog-of-the-year.

Last time I got this, a fellow blogger also got it, and decided to bend the rules a bit (as opposed to my choice of screwing the rules into a tight ball and forcing it up the awards special place).

She got a response from the award originators telling her off!! Warning her to obey *booming voice of authority* THE ORIGINAL RULES!!


Yes dear, every poo you make is precious to us.
Yes dear, every poo you make is precious to us.

Award fascism is here! I mean, come on. The awards are just a way of one blogger saying “you’re nice” to another – they’re a made up, digital chain-letter of fluff, piss and emptiness – not the Koran. My advice is, if you’re going to get precious about your award, don’t make it so utterly shit. Better yet, don’t make it at all. You are beneath contempt. But have some anyway…

You have a Facebook page, stars to collect and DEMAND a link back to the ORIGINAL award page. If that’s not viral marketing I’m a goats testicle.

I didn’t get told off last time, because I didn’t link back – and guess what, I’m not linking back. I want to, because I want those precious bell-ends to know how much scorn I am raining on their pathetic little heads – but I will not market twats.

The award for best nomination for an award goes to...
The award for best nomination for an award goes to…

As ever, I have a page which I try and keep up to date of all the people I follow. I think they’re good, or I wouldn’t follow them. If you want nominations, click any of them at random and say Panda sent you and nominates you for the “Not a fucking award” award.

I don’t answer questions about me – if you want to know, read my Blog – I thought that was the point. This isn’t a speed-dating site. I show as much as I want and I’m not going to wiggle my dangly bits in front of people because some Award-bandit knob-peice DEMANDS that I obey the rules!

Finally. If I was so needy I wanted to collect ‘virtual stars’ for my ‘virtual awards’ on my ‘virtual blog’, I’d be living somewhere they don’t allow sharp objects and writing this in crayon.

61 thoughts on “Another award has hit me like a turd-pasty in the face!

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  1. Whohoo! I got to vote first on this. I have a wonderful blogger friend from Australia who has done something similar–but much more subtle. When someone nominates her for an award, she gives them her own–the “Hot Potato” award. Now, I nominated her for something simply to get the hot potato, which I so coveted. But…Panda…you can do something similar, and call it the “Steaming Pile of Panda Dung” Award…

    1. I’ve contemplated an ‘anti-award’, but wouldn’t that just be ‘an award by any other name’!?
      The Steaming Dung Award. Hmm
      The Dung Gong?
      The Turd Trophy
      Poo Prize?

  2. I’m almost tempted to award you just to see what you have to say. Almost. I won’t, so don’t worry. I’ve read your warning and I’m not up for a Panda critique.

  3. I have not (thankfully) been nominated for any of the aforementioned awards, but if I ever am, I ask now for your permission to use this post as my response.

  4. I’m new blogging and at first I was being nominated constantly, never complied with the rules, never passed it on, I have a sort of schedule even in my own mess and an award post makes little sense to me.
    Then I decide to create my own award, ( which nobody passed on, sad world we live in.
    I voted 1 by the way.

  5. dear, dear Panda… you have given me a nervous tick accompanied by panic attacks, and I have had to double my meds (a clear liquid called vodka)!!! All this just because I contemplated nominating you for an award!!!!

    you are one stubborn, and ornery Panda (is there possibly a goat in the woodpile?) Aaaahhh but that is part of your perpetual charm you old darling you… you do know its ok for people to like you and to want you to know they appreciate you, right???

    *big squishy hugs* (ha! take that!)

  6. Awards are a delightful ways of praising blogs within a family or network of bloggers but I hope I don’t get anymore. Too much work for a 63 year old to list his favorite movie or pizza and find others to nominate. We can support each other with likes and comments which tends to expand one’s network by word of mouth and that’s enough for me.

  7. You mean you can get meaner than you were when we were flinging insults at each other like beads at a Mardi Gras parade? Well, that should be interesting.

    By the way, I nominated you for an award…

    I respect your right to hate awards. I like them because they validate my writing, even if they are a chain letter and the nominator does not actually read my blog. I only got one for this blog and it was because I have a paltry number of followers, so I think it may actually have been an insult that I pay homage to on my blog (which, by the way, has snow falling on it and I like it, so there). My mom doesn’t love me, what else can I say about it? I need validation. Really, I don’t need validation. I don’t. Seriously.

    I think I hate awards too. I am deleting mine.

    1. Sounds like the meds are wearing off Undies! I have the number for Indecisives Anonymous somewhere (although they keep changing it!)
      I’d estimate the blog runs at about 25% as mean as I could be! But if I was 100%, I’d quickly be writing for no-one ๐Ÿ˜‰
      My mum doesn’t love me either, or my Dad, so I took them back to the shop and swapped them for a blanky. Now I have all the comfort I need ๐Ÿ˜€

      1. Good idea. I just left my mom and dad to my older siblings, who totally fit their bill.

        I think you and my husband would hit it off famously. Quick friend-finder question: have you ever bottled a twat in a bar?

      2. Don’t be embarrassed – I had one of those ‘too many replies in my head’ moments and eventually just stopped at ‘ah’ before my brain exploded ๐Ÿ™‚

      3. Holy shite, Fierce Panda! That was low! (How in the hell did you know? Did my husband’s Geordie ex tell you?) I guess that makes us even given that I dissed your mum, right?

      4. Okay. I am going to read through this entire comment series and see where I missed the plot. Because I am still lost… And I don’t think it has anything to do with your accent (which most Americans probably wouldn’t understand, you’d need captioning if you were on TV here).

      5. Oh! I got it! Too many comments! Your 50% sucks. It was just true, which made it harsher than normal. The truth hurts most of the time. Try again, friend. Simon Cowell could beat you in a face off for insults. (But don’t direct it at me, I get enough English insults from my husband. I couldn’t handle two blokes throwing insults at me.)

  8. How do I find out if I won the award for eating popcorn while watching a movie? I’ve been shilling like crazy for it. I even took an ad out in the local pennysaver.

    1. C’mon, no-one’s fooled – no way have you been eating popcorn the last few days – Ms Tonsils!!
      Maybe next year ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
      Still, you won best use of a broken plastic toy on a blog award – don’t be greedy ๐Ÿ˜‰

  9. I hope I didn’t contribute to Panda being grumpy. I agree with Carl, they are hard work! Comments that are left are praise enough. I have received ‘Awards’, in the beginning I accepted. Now if I do receive, I acknowledge them in a post listing the other nominees, but do not put the ‘Award’ on my side bar or link back to FB etc. Showing the other nominees is just my way of saying thanks. Mr.P is that being still too gushy? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. I love this. I have a collection of awards that I keep on a page – I just shove most of ’em in there. It’s like my closets at home. I like to collect bling, even if it’s sticker bling. Although I think I’ve gotten most of the sticker bling by now, except the blog-of-the-year one. I hope I get that so I can piss them off by not following their instructions. Rebel that I am.

    But I like how you oppose the awards. Shows character. I do hope that if you get pressed you don’t get pressed down into some sort of weird flattened Panda. I would be so sad. I like pissed off in yo face Panda.

  11. In the real world no one gets awards unless they make a scientific discovery which can save lives, contributes to world peace, is brilliant at pretending to be a made up character or makes a noise which passes for music. I want panda poo in my face. Is this wrong?

  12. I didnโ€™t quite get what you meant by โ€œno indication of imminent mental illnessโ€.
    When it concerns my writing, O knowledgeable Panda (who pontificates carelessly like Po of Kungfu Panda), I am the Enchanted Primate โ€“a monkey. And you will do well to recollect our discussion on your โ€œaboutโ€ page I think. And my monkey likes your Panda. Even more after this Pandic stunt!
    Love your picture illustrations. You did them all by yourself? Mighty feat for a pawed Panda.
    I do love criticisms. And I am being serious for once on this. But Iโ€™m afraid you missed a spot โ€“were the black ring around your eyes couldnโ€™t allow you see. Quite a number of my poems โ€“e.g., truth, unnatural writer, let lounging lions lie โ€“are short. I think I like haikus because of a comic effect to them. Iโ€™d rather use them for that effect than for musings about nature โ€“NOT that those are uncool enough!
    And yes! Yes!! Yes!!! I agree haikus and short poems are not the same.
    Aw!!! What kindda Panda doesnโ€™t like snow?
    Yeah! I have feared I might have given someone that harrowing experience of swarming bees after reading some of my posts before. Sometimes, I revisit some of my writings and I almost go blind with shame.
    I wonโ€™t say all I like about you now, but you have sure earned several degrees of my affection.
    I welcome any sincere criticisms on my blogs. I am not the allergic type who throws a mood when spanked.
    Note that I have only responded to your dedicated dung missiles at me. Save for the black eye, I have not retaliated.
    Letโ€™s get on the pink clouds and fly onโ€ฆ
    Of course, I voted #1

    1. I am delighted to have gained your affection. As I’m sure you know, my criticisms were for show, not genuine, serious criticism you should be taking to heart. I do have hundreds of those if you want ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Please, please do retaliate – sharpen my skills with a challenge – I am not want to strop either.
      Bless you for taking the sport.

  13. Really nice to have met a light-hearted Panda. Well, they all tend to be light-hearted -unlike the vengeful and cynical primates I know. (You MAY wanna check out another primate – )
    I shall only retaliate after getting more familiar with you. I don’t wanna fire blanks, like you did at me. Hehehehe!

    The criticisms, though for show, were meant to be somewhat accurate right? Bcos I have taken dt note on Haikus to heart so I never fall guilty to the crime of equating it to short poems.

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