DC’s Guide to Polite Dictatorships – or – How to look nice while oppressing the weak

Cameron wants to put the price of alcohol up to prevent alcohol abuse. So let’s follow that logic through.

England has a growing obesity problem.

Clearly the right approach is to raise food prices so that fat people can’t afford to eat too much. We can call it the Cake Tax.

Throw in the garage and you can get a biscuit too.
Throw in the garage and you can get a biscuit too.

All food which contains any fats, especially meat, ready-meals, sweets and snacks, can have a new layer of duty imposed – we can call this the Lard Levy.

We can double the VAT on plus size clothes – or make anything over a size 16 out of coarse-hessian with thorns on the inside to make them really uncomfortable. This will incentivise gut-buckets to stop with the face-shovelling.

We have a pollution problem.

While industry and industrial transport contributes 90% of pollution, it’s easier to just price the public out as they can’t fight back. Massive fuel taxes ought to prevent those ugly fat people hauling their giant asses to the pasty shops.

Increased car tax, reduced heating-fuel allowances for the elderly, dramatic rises in energy costs should all prevent poor people from using these things and mean there’s more for those who deserve them.

and other ways we crush the most beautiful...
and other ways we crush the most beautiful…

In fact, since according to the media the ideal female figure is actually a collection of toothpicks, we can leverage the self-hate this has engendered in every normal sized woman in the west and force anyone over a size 8 into woven-hemp sacks. This will encourage extreme dieting and so reduce passenger weight on planes, cargo weight when transporting clothes and make for a one-size-fits-all dress manufacture, which will be easier for the blistered hands of the child slaves who make the outfits.

People are becoming lazy

The primary cause appears to be that we watch too much television or spend all day on our laptops. Hiking the cost of TV sets and computers ought to help. Care should be taken, however, as TV and computers have important side-effects.

You can spend a decade in government shitting on the poor from a great height and no-one will complain as long as there’s back-to-back Jeremy Kyle or YouTube videos of cute cats to look at.

The internet is also a great resource for collecting personal information. Once the Human Rights Act has been removedΒ and the Snoopers Charter is in place, there will be no need for ID cards, since every email, purchase and personal detail will be handed straight to the government.

This package of cuts and taxes solves many of our current social problems. Unable to afford alcohol and food, violence will decrease as yobs will be too weak to fight. The elderly will freeze to death and those on benefits will starve, saving a huge amount on welfare payments.

Cameron is known for his silver-lining solutions
Cameron is known for his silver-lining solutions

Since the poor will not be able to afford to drive, simply placing polling stations in out-of-town locations will prevent them voting and mean we can drop all pretence to democracy and finally have our little ‘Aristocracy Club’ back, just like the good old days.

Go tories, Go Tories.


According to the Conservatives, every problem in the world boils down to economics. People are unemployed because welfare pays too well. People are alcoholic because beer is too cheap. Education is failing because money is wasted and teachers are over-paid into laziness.

But we are not units of finance. We are people. We are dreams and hopes, loves and desires, needs and fears, we are the beautiful new born, the sunrise from a hill-top, we are passionate poetry and great literature, we are art, laughter, sorrow and striving.

Treating everything as a financial matter dehumanises everyone, it turns us into things in precisely the same way as Jews were made into things. You cannot hurt a group of struggling people, but you can solve an economic problem. You couldn’t take from the most needy, but you can punish welfare scroungers. Worded as human situations, we would be disgusted at what the Tories are doing, but couched in the comfortable language of percentages and deficits, balances and payments, we can vote for cuts we no longer see the human face of and legislate people to death.

The real power is not where we think it is
The real power is not where we think it is

The problems of the world are not economic. People built the economy, and people can do anything they like with it, because it is man-made – it’s ‘laws’ are not immutable, they are false limits the wealthy insist on to keep hold of their money and power.

The problems of the world are not economic. You cannot eat money, or marry it, or have children with it. It only has use when used to get something else – you cannot draw, play, write or parent with it, only with what it buys you. It is a middle-man. It is, of itself, nothing. Imagine if you will that we just built things and fed each other because we thought it was the right thing to do.

The problems of the world are not economic. Our problems are human problems. Our solutions need to be humane solutions.

17 thoughts on “DC’s Guide to Polite Dictatorships – or – How to look nice while oppressing the weak

Add yours

  1. I dreamed of you Dr Seuse.
    Of Star Belly diversity
    learned enjoyed for free
    You Really spred the sand
    Here Yurtle the Turtle
    Served Fresh on demand

    Life is a funny story….
    Rewrote relived for
    the first time

      1. That forced a radiant smile.

        Dr. Seuss (oops misspelled that one, too) he wrote of this in the story Yurtle the Turtle.
        You bring the same truth into now. Right were it belongs.
        It’s the same across the sea and in Turtle Land, where the king wants to be at the tippity top of the pile of all of his subjects to own all he can see. Yep he owns the cow and the tree. : )
        That one little turtle, who didn’t like ( that wage), made him king of the mud by taking one step out of the bottom rung.
        Yep all the power is at the bottom it seems.
        If you haven’t read him, hilarity awaits you. These kids books are illustrated as wacked out as your blog.
        Some of his stuff is made into movies, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, and something about Whos. Books are better.
        The bedtime story books are to be read with like minded cavorting friends over drinks and plenty of floor room to laugh. It’s the way to start the laughing revolution, immediately followed by the modern version, on RuleofStupid…

        Last night I dreamed of Star Bellies. And what fun it would be to be a part of star trending like in the book without a business man sucking out everyone’s “money”.
        What if the guy did it for the fun, not for the money?

        Yet, in the story when all their money was gone and diversity had exploded irrevocably, they realized that they had really purchased tolerance and compassion for each other form that experience.
        Just made me think that we set ourselves up and our society signed up for all this crap so we could learn what the Star Bellies learned, to integrate.
        Before the sleazy business guy had come to sell stars to those who had not. The Haves, had stars. The Have Nots had not. Boy did they all get messed with.
        When they got it and integrated the sleaze ball had no more work and the people had nothing else to separate them.
        Seems like a worth it future.
        Bring on the sleaze balls!
        Wait, they are already here.
        It’s my play.

        That was long and confusing and you likely already read it to your kids.
        But I still dreamed it. : )
        You still wrote about it.
        Message must be in the field.

        Total confusion complete.

      2. Longest, best comment ever! You could get this published!
        I have read a lot of Seuss to the kids, they are great. Not Yurtle though – which makes sense now πŸ™‚
        I do hope the sleaze balls ‘accidentally’ take us somewhere good. A star for everyone and everyone a star – ahh! πŸ™‚

  2. NIcely written. Love the follow-through examples. I wish we could convince the general public here in the states that the real power is with the people. Our problem here is that people seem to keep voting people into office that they think will give them a handout. It’s become all about people asking their politicians, “What can yo do for me?” They have forgotten that great quote by John F. Kennedy, “…ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.”

  3. OK, Panda–I will not set you off running again, but HOW do you manage to make me laugh, shudder and think at the same time, if you are not the #5, #12, #50 bear I think you are? Loved the Cake Tax. We do have a Sugar Tax here in New York State–but, never fear, we are all still hefty here.

      1. as are you. Oh, wait–I have forgotten your Brit-ness, and must stop before we are engaged in a compliment volley across the Atlantic that you are certain to win.

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