Some bastard keeps giving me awards…

I suppose I brought it upon myself, but it seems to have become fashionable to poke the Panda, and not in a happy, late-night, PVC and battery-powered way.

My third award has arrived – the ‘Blog of the Year’, and it is perhaps the most ludicrous of them all. A quick run-down of the reasons this award is arse:

Honest Awards campaign starts here!

Honest Awards campaign starts here!

1) It is even more ‘spammy’ than most, in that the rules insist a link-back to the awards original blog – not your nominator, but the actual originating Blog.

2) This award has its own Facebook page. That’s right, this award is a teenage, crisp-eating, self-referencing, vacuous idiot that wants you all to be friends with it.

3) The award is called ‘Blog of the Year’. If the stupidity of having a chain-‘Blog of the Year’ award isn’t obvious to you, piss off and stop reading my blog, you’re an idiot.

Awards can become just a little degrading!

Awards can become just a little degrading!

4) You can earn ‘stars’ for the award. Yes, stars. This award is for people so empty and lonely they want loyalty points from their f*ing awards! If I was cynical I might think this is just a cheap way of getting multiple references to the original site – and I am – and it is.

Master Gibbs was a slimy spamming git, but he is out-done here by a devious crap-fest masquerading as a present. I could only be more annoyed if a fellow blogger had left a gift under my tree for my son, only for him to open it and discover a turd. A turd that breeds. So after a week my whole house is full of turds. Turds pouring out of windows. Turds creeping into my bed at night. Turds hiding in my sons toy-box. Turds scheming to take over the world from my shed. You get the idea… a lot of turds.

My wife is a paragon of pragmatic patience

My wife is a paragon of pragmatic patience

Finally, the actual rules of the award consist only of spamming. No questions, nothing remotely thought out or interesting, just a ‘refer to me’, a ‘like my Facebook’, and an ‘infect others with this drivelling dross’.

Clearly being sarcastic has not been enough to dissuade people, so I have a new plan. Assassination.

I am adding an AWARD WARNING page, so that in future no-one can claim not to have seen it coming if I am nominated. Then, in response to awards I shall rant grumpily about my nominator in an ungrateful squirt of meanness!

I am nothing if not a deep well of compassion, so I shall be only mean and not cruel to rabbit holes, who nominated me. She was unaware of my new regime. Be warned, I will not be so kind next time.

WARNING THE REST OF THIS POST IS DEEPLY INSENSITIVE

It’s really all based on my experience of depression and kind of true.

Just deeply insensitive.

Rabbit holes blog is basically her diary of depression, written not for us, but for her (as her about page will testify). But really?

If the truth were that this blog was only for rabbit, then it wouldn’t exist, it would be a private blog, a word document or it would just be a paper diary kept at home. Rabbit, you have lied to me! You want love, don’t you… I can smell it on you.

I will let you into a secret.

So do the rest of us.

Everyone wants love, readers, recognition. No-one writes a blog because they want to be ignored! People who say “I don’t care about my stats” come in two forms. The first are like rich people who claim not to care about money. Take away the money and ask them again, if you can get through the veil of tears that is – wankers. Take away the hundreds of followers and likes, drain them off in a week or two, and then ask the bloggers views on stats.

The second are just too arrogant or scared to admit that they take screenshots of the days they beat their hits record, blu-tack them to the ceiling and then abuse themselves in a frenzy of joy and affirmational orgasms.

Recognise it and accept it. We are all creatures built of the same needs.

Really rabbit is only like many other depressed people. She would be much happier and more interesting if she wasn’t always banging on about how miserable everything is.

Sometimes your best friend is your worst enemy

Sometimes your best friend is your worst enemy

To understand RH’s predicament we need only understand the following.

Being depressed is a bit like being obsessed with your diet, spending hours every day checking your own stools, poking them around the toilet bowl searching for evidence of fibre, looseness or undigested sweet-corn, and then wondering why your life stinks all the time and is so full of shit.

Depression is anger for lazy people. Instead of letting that anger fuel action – like starting a ‘crisis support’ blog, campaigning for stronger laws, engaging in local politics or just keeping it small and focussing on looking after those around you, your family, your community – depressed people waste all their energy trying to solve a depression created mainly by the effects of their trying to solve their depression.

There's a reason you can't see a way out!

There’s a reason you can’t see a way out!

The answer is not up your own arse, it’s out there, in the world, taking action!

The most common belief that stops depressed people doing things is that they think everyone else just does things – is somehow born with the ability to run for president, fix cars, get law-degrees or be generally happy. They are not.

The difference is that some people fail and say, oh well, I was never going to get it right first time, then try again, and again, and again. Depressed people pick up a guitar for the first time, play one wrong note and then lock themselves in a wardrobe for six-months crying about how they’re not Jimmy Hendrix and may as well die.

If it was easy, we'd all do it.

If it was easy, we’d all do it.

We all have fear. Fear cannot defeat you, in fact it can help you prepare properly. Fear does not so much win as you surrender. Stop it. Get up, go out and screw things up. Then go out again, screw up again and accept that you screw up, just like we all screw up, but that this doesn’t make you a screw up. Only living life never doing anything because you’re afraid of screwing up makes you a screw up.

Trust me. I won the best blog of 2012, like thousands of others, so I must be right.

So endeth the lesson 😈

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The world is insane and I'm in writing therapy!

Tagged with: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Blogging Tips, Funny (maybe), Rants
36 comments on “Some bastard keeps giving me awards…
  1. Such a grumpy care bear. I think you need a hug. πŸ™‚

  2. Fantastic – you rule, rule!

  3. Combat Babe says:

    You smear this with hatred, but underneath I know you’re smitten.

  4. Combat Babe says:

    & for after thought: though Not Quite Alice liked this, I do think you were a little overboard on the “insensitive & mean” part of the post. Maybe you don’t think there is a line when you heed that warning, but if it make me of all people feel uncomfortable, it’s crossing something. Had you said things like that about me, I’d be hurt whether you meant it jokingly or not. & I especially don’t like it when it’s about a friend, even if I only know NQA through wordpress and email. Sorry, some things can seem more distasteful than they were meant to at the time they were expressed. That is all.

  5. so I get the feeling you are saying NOT to nominate you for any awards… hhmmm that’s too bad – there go my plans for the day!! πŸ˜‰

  6. Good Day/Afternoon/Evening Panda

    My second cup of coffee did not wake me up but this post did. Jolt. I have wondered at source of these Blogging Awards and criteria for such. I applaud your exposure of something so odd as BOTY. Did this include the entire known Universe? Did ROS beat out all the Klingon blogs? Selection team? Your expose is even worse than I thought in that the award is a self-referencing joke, with the yolk on them.

    Appreciate your comments re. self-publication. Blogging is self-publication which was considered ‘vanity’ press a mucho time ago when I was growing up – er, maturing? LOL Yet there was a more open sensibility about ‘vanity’ press and what it entailed. Blogging is a complicated process of sharing/posting.

    I do not know if RH discusses his/her treatment plan(s) for depression. This condition is treatable. I think it apt you distinguish depression from misery-loves-company syndrome. I did not click links to RH as do not desire to reinforce presentation.

    ‘scusa, just going to tune the guitar so I can learn Bars 3-4 of ‘Hey Joe.’

    Take care dear one

    • ruleofstupid says:

      Hi Flowers. Don’t take me too seriously, do feel free to visit Rabbit – I do.
      Everyone is here for their own reasons. My day involves a lot of nice, so I’m here to release the grr. People who like grr are welcome!
      And hell yeah, I knocked the Klingons into next week, along with the Cardasians, Romulans…..)

  7. UndercoverL says:

    Hahahaha! I knew I loved you! You’re English, aren’t you? I could tell there was some Brit in you when you dropped the ‘f-bomb’ so many times, but then you said “wanker!” Yay! I love your curse words. I am going to make an award called “I’m British and You’re a Twat” and link it back to your blog. Everyone who get’s it has to link their post back to you. Okay? (Sorry if you’re not a Brit and I’ve completely misplaced the accolades. Of course, if you’re not a Brit, you’re sorry, too.) πŸ˜‰

  8. I wondered what all those little “blog awards” were about. I get it, now. Watch out, though – I’ve known a couple of people who were “get out there and don’t be depressed” sorts, who were then socked w/ the beast themselves. Nasty little bugger, depression.

  9. merbear264 says:

    Almost nominated you..then decided couldn’t handle bear rants today, I am way to depressed.

  10. mobius faith says:

    May you receive so many awards you can’t keep up – oh wait – sorry -didn’t mean to put a curse on you. Hehehe.

  11. speaker7 says:

    I have nominated you for the Blogger Rant Award. Here are the rules: do nothing.

  12. Oh, I simply love ending my evening reading your rants. Thanks for all the giggles. i really must be a cruel, cruel woman.

  13. Teeny Bikini says:

    That was freaking awesome. Every single word. I kinda thought they were spam, but thanks for clarifying. “Clearly being sarcastic has not been enough to dissuade people, so I have a new plan. Assassination.”
    I love a good assassination joke. Nicely done πŸ™‚

  14. Your Panda rants are so entertaining. I’m tempted to nominate you for an award ~ the payoff being your response. Alas . . . am too lazy to nominate and certainly too indifferent to respond to blogger awards. Fun post, ROS. ~G

  15. rusty says:

    Your post reminds me of a question that my brother asks me whenever I am stuck or doubtful of pursing my passion. That is “what are you afraid of that is stopping you for pursing your passion?”

    After dwelling layers into the question, the eventual answer is “I am the one stopping myself from taking action”. It’s all in our mind..

  16. I stand in the Docks your Honour – Guilty as charged.
    I have accepted Awards and indeed the one your write about.
    I am only human and your line “Everyone wants love, readers, recognition” I am also guilty of.
    However in saying that and just coming on board with your site, I did make up my mind to not accept any other Awards.
    #1 They are a lot of hard work to do
    # 2 For people that follow me or leave a comment or hit that like button is the only recognition that is required
    Am I forgiven?
    πŸ™‚

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