How to be a brilliant criminal – Part 0 (it would have been part one, but some B* did a number on me!)

There are many types of criminal, and each has a life that is much more taxing than we might imagine.

Criminal lives are very like teenagers lives, indeed many criminals begin their career as teenagers. How many other industries encourage starting so young? Commendable stuff!

Teenage logic is a strange land

As often observed by rational beings, a teenager will expend up to forty times the energy required to perform a task in trying to avoid it. Known as the ‘Principle of Idiot’, many people never lose this self-sabotaging behaviour and spend their whole lives performing incredibly complex operations in order to escape simple jobs.

Becoming an alcoholic, drug-addict, chronic masturbator or dedicated depressive are just some of the ways people avoid solving simple problems. Each is a habit that one can fall effortlessly into, but which becomes increasingly complex and hard work to maintain. In the end, each will cost far more than the price being asked by whatever job was being escaped in the first place.

Give me criminal gains, whatever the cost!

Likewise, criminal behaviour will often begin because illegal methods are seen as being easier or more rewarding than legal methods when seeking money or goods.

In many cases this is true, thanks to the Rule of Stupid in government. For example, to curb excessive drinking, the government is trying to raise the minimum price for alcohol. Stupid.

Any half-wit could tell you that you need to remove the desire to drink, not the drink itself. Increasing the price will have several effects, none of them good. It will not affect the rich, so drinking booze will be one more thing the rich can do but the poor no longer can – creating resentment and widening inequality. Since the desire to drink will remain, the poor will resort to criminal activities such as theft to procure their alcohol. The government will lose revenue from legitimate sales of alcohol – probably leading to them trying to get that money back through benefit caps in yet one more circular act of fuck-wittery. Police will be diverted from preventing rape and murder by the increase in petty crime precipitated by government policy. STUPID.

I love him, you know I love him.

However, as easy as crime is at the beginning, it rapidly becomes as complicated and overwhelming as the struggle to hold down a ‘traditional job’.

Where they may not be set hours, endless policies and wasted ‘training days’ spent napping and eating biscuits, there are dodgy fences waiting to rip you off, surprisingly resilient victims able to wreak revenge and gang bosses happy to beat you to death.

What the criminal needs is a legitimate way of continuing to do the same thing. They have developed skills which can be useful in lawful enterprises which do not have the same dangers as their illicit practices.

Looking at criminal practices there are several main categories. Theft. Violence. Fraud. Terrorism. Computer Crime. Stupidity. Let us look at these in turn.


To be a thief you need to sneak about at unsociable hours, hang around dodgy areas, can often go days without earning anything and are now in competition with Freecycle, where people can get all kinds of shit for nothing anyway.

A great alternative is to move into manufacturing. Here you can operate a company which pays too little to a group of people who make things. You can sell these things at a vast profit. Under law you need only give the tiniest amount to the worker and can keep the rest yourself.

Instead of having a gang of vulnerable ‘Artful dodgers’, you have migrant workers to exploit. No need for dodgy fences or pawn shops, now you can sell to ‘legitimate exploiters’, or, Brands, as they are commonly known.

A capitalist is walking through his factory with a friend.
Friend “What did you tell that man just now?”
Capitalist “I told him to work faster”
F: “How much do you pay him?”
C: “Fifteen dollars a day”
F: “Where do you get the money to pay him?”
C: “I sell products”
F: “Who makes the products?”
C: “He does”
F: “How many products does he make in a day?”
C: “Fifty dollars worth”
F: “So he pays you thirty-five dollars a day to tell him to work faster”.
C: “Well, I own the machines”.
F: “How did you get the machines?”
C: “I sold products and bought them”
F: “And who made those products?”
C: “Shut up! He might hear you”.
Thanks to this site for the joke.

With luck, you will soon move into a product people would die without, like water or electricity, and then you can really hike your prices and pay yourself massive bonuses that YOU make up! And it’s totally legit! Fucking amazing.


Violence has so many risks that it’s a wonder anyone decides to do it, but they do. Now, you might try working as a bouncer instead, where you can regularly punch people for not wearing the right trainers in your club. However, the pay will never be great.

Obviously most people settle for joining the police, where they can be violent in all sorts of ways, even killing people, without being punished like normal people are.

For the truly ambitious though, the best way is to become one of the following.

A Pro-wrestler – although it should be understood that this is closer to method acting that real violence, and may not satisfy.

American Football training is HARD!

A footballer – In Soccer you can hack, elbow and punch your way about the pitch and get your frustrations out by kicking a leather sack and running around shouting. In American football the usual process is to take very large, stupid men and confuse them with incomprehensible rules until they get really bewildered and angry and start running into each other like distressed cattle.

A Boxer – Here’s the real fun, where someone actually pays you just to hit people, and a section of supposedly civilised society bays and cheers for another human being’s pain and blood apparently blind to the sheer awfulness of what’s actually happening in front of them.

Our’s is not to reason why?

The Army – Here is a great arena for committing violence. You won’t have to wait for the front-line, there’s plenty of hazing and institutional brutality to be had in camp as your compassion and humanity is thrashed out of you to the point where you can kill another child’s father because you can believe another man’s bullshit.

More alternatives to crime next time ๐Ÿ™‚


10 thoughts on “How to be a brilliant criminal – Part 0 (it would have been part one, but some B* did a number on me!)

Add yours

  1. Ooh did you know that 60% of US crime is committed by males aged roughly 16-30? Teenage years indeed! And what you say about alcohol goes for most drugs too, and is actually completely endorsed by economics ๐Ÿ™‚

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