Tips for the Budding Blogger – Part 8 – It’s finally over!

Welcome to the final ever Blog Tips post. Across the world these blogging tips have transformed the landscape of blogging. Now, among the green fields of prose and poetry, commentary and comment is a small pile of steaming turds that is this series.

Of course I’m a cheap slag, so if I think of anything new later I will shamelessly revive the theme. Until then, thanks for reading and here’s the last two tips.

Tip 18. Blog don’t Blog

One of the most common posts in existence is the ‘I have nothing to say’ post.

The only way this post could deserve any respect would be if the title said “Nope, got nothing,”, or “My brain is as empty as my life,” and left it at that. Blank post.

“But,” I hear a crowd of simpering ‘Writers’ cry – “sometimes writing with nothing to say can get the juices flowing.”

Yes. That’s what editing is for.

It’s the nothing that you say which really means something

If by some tiny chance the unbearable warblings of your wasted brain-sac actually turn into something readable (by which I mean some crap any decent writer would be ashamed of but that at least is only as awful as everything else you come up with and not worse) then delete the introduction because it has become both untrue and dangerous.

It is untrue in the same way that it would be untrue to spend the whole journey to the gym moaning about how you can’t go to the gym today, and then walking into the gym and saying, ‘oh wow, look, I went to the gym after all’.


It is dangerous because there is only so much pointless the world can take, and one too many “I have nothing to write but for once I’ve realised the truth of this instead of just believing my nothing is actually something worth posting, so now I’m writing about not writing, blind to the obvious contradiction in this fact,” posts could finally push us to critical mass and we’ll find the whole universe collapses in on itself in a cosmic sigh of hopelessness.

Tip 19. Don’t keep it real

There are hundreds of people who don’t know what they’re talking about who will tell you to ‘keep it real’. What a rancid heap of yaks sputum.

Here are the reasons ‘real’ is a stupid concept:

a. We live in a world made of atoms where the brain makes sense of everything by turning it into shit we can understand so that we never ‘see’ what actually ‘is’, only the translation we can grasp.

I am a bastard

To illustrate. Atoms have no smell, colour or taste. Cheese has no smell, colour or taste. Only in our tongues response to cheese do we find ‘sensation’, not from the cheese but from our tongue – which in turn is not from our tongue but from our brains interpretation of the tongues messages. Our entire reality actually only ‘exists’ as we understand it in our heads, or in our brains presentation of external stimuli to our consciousness.

Oh no, there’s no stopping…

b. Meaning is predicated on the non-existence of meaning. If Things actually meant something, they would always and only mean that one thing. This is not meaning, it is being. A lump does not ‘mean’ a rock, it ‘is’ a rock. I do not mean a panda, I am a Panda. Only when X isn’t Y can it be said to mean Y. So ‘that finger means ‘shut-up you’re making my head hurt”. But a rude gesture has meaning not in the person or gesture, but in our cultural interpretation of that presentation to consciousness resultant from the gesture. Meaning is always a socio-physical discourse in which ‘meaning’ is arrived at through dialogic consensus in a compromise of interpretation between possibility and cultural requirement.

Nope, no idea how she’s still talking either…

c. Outside of there being ‘matter out there’, reality is also consensual and therefore changeable. We used to think reality was a flat Earth on the back of a turtle. Once we’d downgraded the drug supply we agreed Earth was round. Now we think each atom in the universe is in simultaneous communication with every other atom in the universe instantaneously presenting the paradox of sub-atomic faster-than-light communication. Perhaps we need to downgrade the drugs again.

In short what we experience is a lie told to us by our own brain. What we see out there is only as much as we can understand until we learn more. Learning is often just replacing one mistake for a currently more fashionable mistake.

As above, meaning is only possible because it doesn’t really exist. Freedom only becomes possible under conditions of confinement. To genuinely serve the self it is necessary to serve others.

If what you know does not create a paradox it is false information. However, the paradox is there only because we presently have it all so horribly wrong.

So much for showing off my philosophy degree. Basically there is no ‘one reality’, just people saying with varying levels of confidence that shit is like ‘this’.

The reason we can have wars is because there is no one truth, which offers us the freedom to label any old piece of crap “the one truth” and kill anyone who disagrees with us.

Religious zealots are nothing if not reasonable

So don’t keep it real. You can’t anyway. Instead of trying to describe a ‘real’, write as if you want to change that real. I mean, it’s a mess right? Inequality, violence and far too few orgasms. Who wants to describe that?!

Write what should be – and just maybe by doing so things will become a little more like they should be. This advice goes doubly for the miserabilists out there. Stop blathering on about your depression; ask what you would write if you were content, then write that; amazingly this will help rather than just being one more wallow in the endless vat of poor me you’re so terribly fond of. Your identity is a narrative, so for the sake of the rest of us bloody well re-write it.

And for gods sake don’t forget to write in lots of sex. Panda’s need lots of sex. And bamboo.

Panda can really do the nasty…

And bamboo sex.

Don’t ask.

If you can’t bear to see the Tips Posts die, why not come up with a “Tip Topic”, it doesn’t have to be about blogging. Post it as a comment and I’ll create a rant from it.

If you don’t I’ll have to keep coming up with stuff myself.


32 thoughts on “Tips for the Budding Blogger – Part 8 – It’s finally over!

Add yours

  1. Whilst I found this wildly entertaining, and have laughed so much I will probably end up in traction tomorrow, I’d like to take issues with one or two of the points you make. However, I can’t be fucking bothered so…

  2. Actually, I can: prepare yourself for some wildly interesting and beautifully structured haiku.

    So, this urge that we
    should steer away from real is

    If reality is
    just an interpretation
    of the world we see

    is entitled to be called
    a reality

    So we cannot help
    but be real in all that we
    think, say, do and write.


  3. On tip 18: I am reminded of a (slightly modified) line from Jane Austen,
    “[We bloggers, w]e are each of an unsocial, taciturn disposition, unwilling to speak, unless we expect to say something that will amaze the whole room, and be handed down to posterity with all the eclat of a proverb.”
    And that is all I have to write, or not write, about that.

    1. “It is only a [blog]… or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language”

  4. Because of your words of wisdom, I will attempt to write less of my depression, and more of what I would write if I were indeed not depressed. Thank you.

  5. What?! The Last Tip? But, but, but….I just found them and I didn’t even feel the first one going in…
    Oh, yeah, why’s the stick-with-the-head-go-boom have to be a girlystickybabe? Misogynist.

      1. New super heroes? Default Boy and Stick Girl. Perhaps Default Boy is lost in Misogynist Land with no memory of his True Nature until…..
        {….enter Stick Girl…}

  6. Thanks for the tips series. I found this last one to be a very long digression, which reminds me that digressions can be entertaining, even if they stray far, far from the “real” topic. So the tip I take away, is –go ahead and digress. Granted, that’s easier to do if you are a Panda w/ a philosophy degree, but we all must reach.

You can tell me anything (yes, even that!)

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