Welcome to those of you not yet bored of this series, I’m delighted to see you both. MORE TIPS I hear you mutter with faint disinterest… so here they are 🙂
Tip A. Don’t lose track of your numbering system.
And never stick with a running gag that is both very old and not funny.
Tip 11. Exploit popularity
This is a little like tip eight – using news headlines, but here you can exploit the popularity of your own recent posts by recycling the title, even if you’re going to talk about something totally different.
As combat babe so rightly pointed out, I did this with my Blog Tips 4 – Spiderman post. Yes, there was tippage in there, about being brave enough to kill characters off and make your audience bleed, but really it was all just an excuse to throw turds at The Amazing Spiderman.
Tip 11.5 – if you’re going to call it amazing, make it amazing – aren’t we supposed to have trading standards or something? You may as well have called it Spiderman plays la-crosse, and then made a film about little-red-riding hood doing the nasty with the guy with the big chopper. (Yes I’m still mad – two-hours of my life people!)
Another variation of Tip 11 is to exploit ‘trending’.
Trending is an unnecessary neologism which indicates transmitting something that has become popular. It’s what we used to call being a fashion victim until honesty went out of…um… fashion. With ‘trending’, however, you can pretend that you are not simply passing on other peoples wit due to a lack of your own. Thanks to the increasingly shallow nature of western culture, copying has become the new inventing, and taking part in what amounts to an electronic version of pass-the-parcel where the parcel is already unwrapped at the beginning and no-one actually gets to keep the present – holy crap could this be any more pointless?! – somehow entitles you to pretend you’re interesting.
Since it’s based on a computer it escapes the label ‘pointless sad shit I’m obsessed with for the next eleven seconds until a really cute picture of a cat hits my inbox.’
Trending makes you sound like you are up on the latest technology and hitting the cultural vein, oh you clever thing you, rather than admitting to being a tedious follower of ephemera, randomly liking and re-posting practically anything because your tiny and pathetic self-esteem just wants to be noticed and if you jump enough internet bandwagons surely someone will see you and maybe even grow to love you.
Of course the easiest way to exploit popularity is to simply mention Justin Bieber. Preferably just before the phrase “I’ll provide the gun,” and just after the phrase “will someone please kill.”
Tip 12. Don’t be interesting
Most Blogging Tips pages tell you to be unique and different. This is horse-shit (can you believe Zemanta recommended a link to horse-shit! ha!).
Chocolate doesn’t contribute to the obscene number of fat people… sorry… emotionally compensating people, because it’s unique and different.
As we have discussed, most people are amazingly dull and predictable. Much like trending, however, in which everyone seems to have missed the rather obvious fact that something is already popular before you can ‘trend’ it, rendering ‘trending’ empty of purpose – most people don’t realise how dull they are or how empty of purpose. Far from a new and exciting talent, what most people want is a predictable comfort blanket of banality.
Even better, they want someone as prejudiced or bigoted as themselves to Blog with in order to justify their infantile and hateful beliefs.
A cheap blog exploiting women will get many hits. Rather than confess to the fact that you actually do masturbate to the pictures you post because you’re cripplingly lonely and hate yourself, you can claw at some pathetic shreds of ‘power’ over the women you wish would mother you and occasionally touch your penis (yes, you do have a complex) by mocking them.
One popular method is to demean an already beleaguered femininity by parading further semi-clad or naked shots of women, so that you can do your part to ensure they are completely enslaved to a culture of the image. If there’s one thing women really need then it’s a bit of help in growing fixated and neurotic about their looks because it’s all they’re worth.
Another method is to post close-ups of normal and beautiful women who have had the temerity not to put on make-up, or to age past 35, and add captions like “wow, she’s got wrinkles,” or, “ugly bitch – it’s all photoshop.” The most wonderful thing about this is that YOU, yes YOU, lonely masturbator and critic, are part of the whole cultural movement that locked women into an ideology of sexuality and exploitation, and now when ageing celebs resort to plastic surgery due to the cultural pressures YOU helped bring to bear, it’s YOU who puts up pictures of them and laughs at their vanity. You arsehole.
Whatever happens, do not wake up to the fact that the reason for your loneliness is your shallow and repellent attitude – just keep on touching yourself and believe one day it will all get better on its own.
A simple man-hating post can also guarantee many hits and a ceaseless parade of commentary banalities such as “You go sister”, and “oh, my man is so like that – you should totally ditch him!” Women will follow you immediately in the mistaken belief that following anti-men blogs and adding to the weight of hatred in the world through empty tropes is as good as actually ditching the arsehole they are clearly married to.
Try to include posts about how he lacks respect for you but stay blind to the fact that you’re currently on-line writing about how much of an arsehole he is.
This is for you combat babe. Yes, it’s clearly not much about blogging, save for the barbed critiques which are threaded throughout – but I’ve found a format that just’s sucks the rants right out of me and I’m sticking with it. So look out for Tips 6 coming soon 🙂