Tips for the Budding Blogger – part 3÷7+⨕ ≌ ∞

Part three of my essential Blog tips is here – whoo hoo. yay. great.

I have been told by the Society for the Protection of the Over-Sensitive that I cannot post this without including the following warning.

I say mean things about depressed people. If you’re a depressed person this may upset you. On the other hand it may make you laugh, and since depression has become the only faithful friend who has stuck by you all these years this threat to your incessant state of misery might also be upsetting.

On with the tips 🙂

Tip 4. To repeat tip 4 – Write with sensitivity.

Some people still believe they have real problems and will be very cross if you make fun of them. Just because you spent twenty years overcoming clinical depression does not mean everyone else is ready to laugh bitterly at their disorders.

Tip 7. Give your character a fatal flaw.

Having some form of condition or disorder – rattling on about your therapist, moaning about the side-effects of your new medication or posting photo’s of today’s most interesting rash will do three essential things for you.

One. It provides a subject for your post without having to make any effort.

Two. It will make everyone feel that they can’t say bad things about anything you post because ‘oh my’, you already suffer so much.

Three. If, like me, you are almost too good for this world, people will grow to hate your all-round wonderfulness because you make them look bad. Having a fatal flaw humanises you and makes you just about bearable.

Tip 8. Write Strong Characters

People don’t like weak characters, so make sure you make strong ones. They don’t need to be able to lift up cars and rhinos, but it’s best if they don’t struggle with teaspoons or small ornaments.

OAP crime-fighter
Zimmerman will save the day!

Try and write about people who can run a long way or who fight wildebeest. Adventurers who get breathless climbing stairs are not very engaging, and can make the whole adventure a bit tame. Equally, heroes who battle mice will be less exciting than dragon slayers, although not much.

If you are struggling to ‘strengthen’ your character, make them swear a lot. This avoids the complication of having to delineate emotional and complex ‘inner-strength’. A man running down a corridor is just a man running down a corridor, but a man running down a corridor shouting “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” is a mean, dangerous near-psycho who’s is certainly on their way to save some poor, stereotyped – only good for eye candy and being kidnapped, holy shit, really, I thought we’d entered the 21st century, but this is still the best you can offer most up-coming actresses? – character.

Tip 8. Keep track of your numbering system

Tip 8. Write about today’s news

For people desperate for stats, a great tip for gaining hits is to include todays top headline in your blog title. You don’t even need to buy a newspaper, simply subscribe to BBC, CNN or your own country-relevant news channel. If you don’t know anything about the story, just pick the most search engine friendly terms and randomly splice them in.

Here’s a good example.

“Feeling blue tuesday – why my Twinkies-house is like the Israel-Gaza conflict if Obama and Jimmy Savile were there.”

Today my house is like a war zone – it’s Israel-Gaza continued Violence in here! To keep the kids quiet I gave them cake, I hope I don’t get arrested like Croatia’s ex-Prime Minister jailed over bribery! LOL.

The kids have been drawing on the walls, not as bad as Ancient carvings vandalised in the US, but still.

My husband couldn’t tie his tie as usual. I looked at the mess he had made and said “that’s a real Sydney ‘collar-bomb’ man!

web-page with headlines
Some posts just write themselves!

This meaningless drivel will see your blog overwhelmed by disappointed and confused news-hunters who will hate you, but who cares because you got 1,000 hits today and none of them to your face like you deserved.

Tip 9. Write about blogging.

In life everybody wants the magic cure – but they can’t have it because it’s mine. Depressed people, people who hate their job, people in unhappy relationships and many more will read hundreds of self-help books trying to find the secret – without ever actually doing the things the books tell them to.

Blank Book
If they were REALLY self-help books, they’d all look like this

The secret they want is how to be happy all the time without having to do any of the painful or difficult shit these annoying self-help books and therapists keep talking about.

There are many labels for this – anxiety disorder, depression, seasonal affective disorder, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, but bar a tiny handful (and, yes, reader, you are one of the poor handful who has a real disease and can’t help it – don’t worry, keep taking the prozac and doing all the things in life that brought you to the point of unhappiness – as if by some miracle the same failed methods will one day suddenly succeed and you will henceforth wear a shit-eating grin forever) the real disease is Einsteinian – for as this clever postal-worker once said, “the definition of madness is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results”.

Writing blogs is the same. If you offer “ten tips for successful blogging”, as approximately eight-and-a-half billion people already have, then you will attract a ton of hits.

Why? Because most bloggers (and me) are slightly messed up lonely people reaching out, and their stats are not just an indication of how many people read their tedious warblings, but an indication of how much the world loves them – how much they are worth (whereas I know I’m brilliant, and seven people thought so in ONE DAY last week – yeah, so eat that lonely losers!)

The trouble is, most of these bloggers are not very interesting, or good at writing. Being interesting is hard to ‘make happen’ – either you are currently travelling round the world, curing cancer, wasting billions jumping from space to promote a caffeinated drink, or your life is like everyone else’s – a lot of boring patches washing dishes and cleaning stains punctuated by moments of excitement as you recognise that woman in the film from some other film, and it really is her, isn’t it, oh that’s so funny, fancy that.

Not being interesting does not stop people blogging, but it would be nice if they compensated for their dull normality by learning to present it well. However, becoming good at writing requires hard work, even if you’re born a genius like me.

Just like the “I’m buying self-help books but really I want the section labelled ‘somebody do the work for me because in truth I just want a mummy or daddy to make it all go away'” crowd, there are the “I’m going to read every blog-tip in the universe because ONE of them HAS to contain the secret to becoming a brilliant and popular blogger without having to do any work” crowd.

Writing a “Blog Tips” post will attract all these people – didn’t it, mwah ha ha ha ha haaa!

This is the end of part three, and possibly most of my followers 😥 😆

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37 thoughts on “Tips for the Budding Blogger – part 3÷7+⨕ ≌ ∞

Add yours

  1. You my friend are made up of equal parts insanity, sarcasm and wit. (there is also a whole bunch of nice in there too, but shhhhh…. we wouldn’t want anybody out there to get a whiff of that now would we ;))

  2. Reblogged this on thatthereengland and commented:
    “Why? Because most bloggers (and me) are slightly messed up lonely people reaching out, and their stats are not just an indication of how many people read their tedious warblings, but an indication of how much the world loves them – how much they are worth (whereas I know I’m brilliant, and seven people thought so in ONE DAY last week – yeah, so eat that lonely losers!)” – this guy is very, very good

    1. That’s it, I’m off planet – I’m the messed up blue guy from Watchmen – I see everything… I know everything… wait… I can see the future… oh, it’s so, oh god…
      Nope, actually it doesn’t end well, I’m coming back!

    1. Sorry, would have replied earlier but I was frantically touching myself. This whole thing’s too good – Susan Daniels is re-blogging me (she’s awesome BTW, you should check her out 😉 )

  3. damn it … the math equation drew me in ….but was there more math?
    NO!

    I should have known better…as pandas only have 3 digits on each paw. (ok…I have no idea how many digits a panda has on each paw … but now someone will perhaps tell me so I don’t have to look it up myself!)

    *cracks up about the fierce panda judging face*…ack!

    1. Hey, no-one should leave here disappointed. SO:
      Do this Division:
       
      2 + 3i
      ______
      4 – 5i

      Multiply top and bottom by the conjugate of 4 – 5i :
       
      2 + 3i × 4 + 5i = 8 + 10i + 12i + 15i2
      ______ _______ _____________________
      4 – 5i _ 4 + 5i ____ 16 + 20i – 20i – 25i2

      Now remember that i2 = -1, so:
       
      8 + 10i + 12i – 15
      = ____________________
      16 + 20i – 20i + 25

      Add Like Terms (and notice how on the bottom 20i – 20i cancels out!):
       
      -7 + 22i
      = ——–
      41

      We should then put the answer back into a + bi form:
       
      -7 22
      = + i
      41 41

      DONE!

  4. I am pushing the LIKE button like alotta times. I am so going to experiment with proactive (mis)use of news feeds to jazz up intro to attract any readership possible. LOL Now I just have to decide whether or not I actually want to read any of today’s news. Perhaps you have tips on how to read the news?

    1. Oh I do. Don’t! You don’t need to read news – it’s both depressing and fictional. Just crib the headlines – or famous names therein. Were here for stats, not for learning (he he).

      1. O! thank goodness for response. I thought I would high class a bit and went to Canada’s ‘Glum and Mall’ [Globe & Mail] and was, er, flumoxxxxxed at options for next post. I think I’ll wander over to the NY Times and just crib a few there. Big Smiles

  5. That sucked.
    I hate when people describe me like that. What do you know about my stats and how much I’m loved?
    You knew I wouldn’t be able to do that hard math too.
    You are picking on me Panda Monster.

      1. I’m just an innocent victim…on your blog…
        All pandas are evil. They should all be exterminated.
        Then good people like me will be left alone.

        There
        Now you can finally value some worthless criticism.
        It was seriously lacking.

        Now I can go get victimized by the rest of your blog posts. Weeee!

  6. Ouch. As a barely-followed barely-read blogger with multiple “pity me” ailments–and a blogger who, despite three years of blogging with flatline growth in followers still thinks she can write, and well–I despise you for making me laugh so hard at myself. Most especially because I’ve just recently decided to soon start a long series about my creepy diseases. But the posts are gonna be funny–I hope. Well, considering my first sentence, at least I’ll think they’re funny 🙂

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