Welcome to part two of my guide to writing. Simply follow these rules for writing the perfect blog and soon you will have more followers than Christ.
Tip 4. Write with sensitivity.
For example, never make gratuitous and potentially offensive references to other people’s deities.
Tip 5. Write what you want
You can write your blog for other people, and try and write what you think they want to read. This is a good method if you are psychic, which you are not (see point 3). It also makes you a bit of a whore, in the way Dan Brown is a whore because he writes what he knows will sell instead of writing good things. Dan Brown is not psychic, he is a cod-plagiarist (see point 3 previous post – and yes, it does mean he literally plagiarises from a fish! Have you read his stuff!?)
This is the choice people have. The world is divided between morons and idiots, with a tiny number of clever or nice people hiding under rocks to avoid the swearing and burning effluent thrown by the barbarian populace.
If you want to make money and be famous, you have to write for the majority, who are shallow and annoying. This is why pop music is almost entirely made on a computer out of strands of piss, and songs are about nothing. Most people only understand nothing and won’t pay money for anything that makes them think or feel. It is also why pop singers do as much to show you their genitalia as is legally permissible in their videos, because they know their music has no value in itself but you might buy it if you have some bizarre belief that it will offer you vicarious access to their dangly parts.
If you write for money it may become necessary to show your rude bits, so if you don’t have very nice rude bits this might not be the path for you. I have an immaculate penis which is kept beautiful by a topiarist and left overnight in a bowl of hungry fish to be cleaned.
Your other choice is to write what you want. This can often lead to stained underwear because you’re putting little pieces of your heart out there to be stamped on. But the only way to create an audience that loves you is to share your heart with them.
Your heart is unique, and therefore an acquired taste. Some people will lick it and then make horrible faces and spit, as if you were an anchovy and they expected a grape. This will probably make you cry, although it is not, in fact, personal. Other people will hide it in their pocket, swear they’re the only person who gets you, and that you’re writing only for them – they’ll read everything you do and spend many hours finding new ways to acquire your underwear (especially if it’s soiled).
This is unfortunate. I recommend keeping a close watch on your bins and having a rifle handy.
Among all these freaks there will be people who have bits of heart that are just like yours, and will enjoy metaphorically rubbing your bits of heart together to create warmth. This will give everyone that special Disney glow inside and invoke singing wildlife. Time for that rifle again.
Tip 6. Write like a bastard
People can be shy of writing at first. What if uncle Rick thinks this character is him, what if nanny Miggins thinks she’s the murdering pederast in chapter four? What if they don’t find it funny? What if I offend people?
First of all, you will offend people – if you don’t your writing is crap. In fact this tip could be called, “write to offend people”. Most of them are idiots anyway – don’t worry about it.
People will read you and think you meant what they want you to mean. I wrote a poem about an alarm clock one day and a friend read it and said, “wow, that’s me right there, what are you trying to say about me?” Narcissistic idiot.
The same is true for writing.
If you wrote, “my Aunt Mable who lives at 43 Westbury Street and wears a red hat on Sundays is a right bitch,” your aunty Mable will read it and say “oh my, my niece has another aunt who lives at 43 Westbury Street and wears a red hat on Sundays – but she’s a bitch.”
If you wrote a ten page introduction in which you explained that the hispanic, dusky, crack-addict mother of four who runs guns for the mob is not based in any way on any one you’ve ever known; you will get calls from dozens of white, single, childless near-acquaintances accusing you of basing the character on them.
People have beliefs about themselves which are usually wrong. Most people think they are better than they are, the rest think they are worse than they are. Only two people in the world presently have a real idea of themselves, and one of them is a goat.
The blessing is that you can therefore say things like, the people reading this are mostly idiots – and yes I mean YOU, and most readers will say to themselves, “ha, ha, yes they are, I get you, I’m so glad I’m not one of those idiots!” The neurotic reader will think you mean them, but they’re too messed up to confront you about it so it doesn’t matter.
This is why writing is hard, because you have to both give away your heart and be open and vulnerable, and yet be callous and bastard-like enough to take the knocks and lunatics. You must be open to hearing criticism that will improve you, but stay guarded against mindless insults. And one day you may have to show off your genitals at a book signing.