Here’s a list of my top tips for being a Blogger – stick with these rules and you’ll go far my son / daughter / cousin / creepy guy who moved into my closet.
Tip 1. Write what you know.
This is important. For example, if you don’t know the word complexification you’re going to find it hard to spell. If you don’t know what the ideological state apparatus are, then mentioning them in a post will probably break the flow of your writing. If you don’t speak Spanish, writing your posts in Spanish is going to make things very difficult for you, and confusing for your French audience who live in Germany and speak Croatian.
If you want to start a blog on car maintenance then you’re very dull. All the same, it will be a better blog if you know something about car maintenance, you once owned a car or at least know that cars are those shiny boxes that you see a lot when being transported between hospital institutions.
My previous Blog on household plants failed, and I think that’s because I mainly wrote about martian rock formations. I don’t know anything about plants, mine are all dead. I don’t know anything about martian rock formations either, but my martian rocks have whispered to me at night and promised to tell me their secrets soon.
There are a few people who write what they don’t know. These people fall into two types.
Type one is usually unstable and a bit needy. They will rant about politics whilst clearly not knowing even the name of their own prime minister. Or they will have theological arguments about the existence of Golf. Full of fury and self-righteousness, these fulminators nonetheless know shit all about what they write and are very annoying.
Type two are mentalists and best avoided.
I know only one blogger who can genuinely write what they don’t know, and that’s Barabas Carnaby Fulcrum-Turner the Third, who doesn’t exist.
Tip 2. Write what you don’t know
Life is paradoxical. It’s all about learning the rules and then breaking them well (this is actually true and probably the only useful information here).
If you want to write about fruit, you’d better know your onions, although they are a flower and not a berry. If someone asks you a question about fruit, you need to find the answer, otherwise they’ll go to a grocer and not your blog next time. So you need to write what you don’t know – or learn what you didn’t know so you can write what you just knewed but didn’t known then before.
You can’t write what you don’t know. But don’t be an ignorant bastard.
There’s nothing worse than a blog which repeats the same posts over and over again (see my articles on Oct 1, 5, 7, 13, 17, 19, 22, 25, 29 and Nov 2, 7, 12, 14, 18 on this subject.) So do something amazing every now and then like look up new stuff, read a book, bungee jump 50ft on 60ft of rope, have plastic surgery so you look like a cat that’s spent all it’s life running into walls or attempt to live life with an inverted colon.
Tip 3. Write what someone else knows
My second cousin, Archibald Filmington Catflap, can psychically channel the thoughts of famous writers. Unfortunately they won’t let him have a computer where he lives, or a pen, or front-fastening clothes.
You may have the same super-natural abilities as Archibald, but don’t, so you’ll need to discover another method of finding out what other people know.
Politicians for example are not really people, they are mannequins with completely empty heads. Very rich business men who own newspapers and look like they already died feed these mannequins with special data tubes, which are inserted anally. The ‘Poli-bot’ then says all the words recorded on the data-tube, and sometimes dances, passes legislation or performs acts of gratification upon said media magnate.
In case you don’t believe me, here’s some pics of Cameron getting his tube changed.
And this is what he looks like when they switch him off. Ah, bless.
You too can be like this, although I recommend avoiding any tube-in-bottom shenanigans – unless it makes you happy. Just as politicians have ‘script-writers’, you too can have words written for you which are much cleverer than you are. There are many ways to achieve this.
One. Steal some of my writing, which is so clever it has been proved to have magical properties and has cured cancer among Lemurs.
Two. Read things and watch things so that things go into your head, then put these things into words. This is also a form of psychic channeling, sometimes called ‘education’ or ‘learning’.
Five. Organisation can help when making lists, and soup.
Three. Read other people’s things and then write something almost the same but pass it off as your own. Dan Brown has made a living doing this, and is proof that you don’t have to learn to write to make this method work for you.
Seven. Find lots of good things and then pretend to all your friends that you wrote all of them. Convince everyone that your pen-names are Audrey Niffenegger, Sadie Jones and Peter Carey. Try and avoid pretending to be a ghost writer for Charles Dickens as people find this hard to believe.
These are my first Blogging tips. Hopefully more will follow when someone else has written them for me to plagiarise.