Fake fake fake fake fake fake crap AAAHHHHRRRGGG!!!

For the love of two craps in a basket, what is going on!!!???

Today I sat in the high street next to two fake gold (yes gold, for (bleeps) sake – not even fake green but gold – because we’ve all seen the famous golden trees of … oh, hang on, NO WE HAVEN’T) Christmas trees.

That’s revolting, but not the end. Next to these fake trees was a fake hut, made up like little elves might make your pressies in there with tiny lanterns over the door – aaah.

Now I’m blowing fluids from two ends. But there’s more.

This twee assemblage is part of a fake ice rink in the town centre.

Now, before you say how darling it is to spend thousands of pounds keeping several tonnes of water at sub-zero temperatures instead of putting that money toward making sure pensioners can remain ABOVE said temperatures – I should point out. There’s ALREADY AN ICE RINK.

The price of fun is NEVER too high!

Yes, about 500 yards away, in a building, all year, is an ice-rink!

I have horrible things spraying out of me everywhere now…BUT. This is STILL not the end.


Why, Why, WHY, WHY!!

I am no longer spouting vile fluids, I have simply burst, everywhere, spattering entire flocks ofย bewilderedย and disgusted pedestrians with my disdain.

If we’re going to fake the lot, why not fake the lot!

We’ve sucked Jesus and religion out of Christmas, injected it with manic consumerism and greed – ensured everyone is utterly miserable from being newly poor, or unable to afford the presents at all, so they have to FAKE being as happy as the twittering arseholes in EVERY film and on EVERY news programme (wearing their ‘hilarious’ knitted, seasonal sweaters and antlers – Oh stop you crazy people you are sooooo funny ) beaming from EVERY billboard and spread up EVERY aisle (I’ll spread something up their aisle if I get the chance!)…grrr…

Family Christmas
Ah yes, how we love our unrealistic expectations

So why not let’s stop pretending that Christmas is anything but layers of fakery upon layers of fakery. Fuck having it on a cold December – let’s have it in June, change the name to “Cake and Presents-Mas” and spread fake snow on our lawns full of fake trees by our houses of fake elvin-ness with fake ice-rinks in.

I actually like christmas – not in a “ooh, I’ll randomly LIKE everything in the hope it drives traffic to my blog (yes, still mad about that)” way – or in a “OMG a photo of your cat looking like a cat – LIKE” Facebook sort of way.

I like Christmas in a – chance to rest and spend consecutive days with my loved ones and spend hours creating edible splendour and napping – sort of way.

Can I have it back please.


31 thoughts on “Fake fake fake fake fake fake crap AAAHHHHRRRGGG!!!

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  1. Tsk tsk. I agree that Christmas has gotten rather revoltingly commercial these days, to the point where I’ve lost interest in the trappings of it as well, aside from spending time with my little family, which I also agree is the true purpose of such holidays, or should be.

    Perhaps it’s best if you follow my own sensible practice, and just don’t leave the house very often. You see less crap that way. Also I got myself a nice Jew to live with, so I’m welcome to ignore the whole thing if I want to. ๐Ÿ˜›

    1. I’m a Jew! :O
      Not really. My Father is Jewish but he done gone left me as a baby ๐Ÿ˜ฅ so I never adopted the religion.
      I have to go out, but I compensate by never watching TV – It actually changes your life when you quit it!
      Happy Jewmass ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. Oh yeah, we celebrate Chrismakkah here, and we got rid of most of our cable too – still have Netflix, which we enjoy a lot, but the rest of it didn’t seem necessary for the bend-over rates they were charging us.

        So sorry to hear about your father! Technically I think you’re only Jewish if your mother is, anyway, so now you’re really confused! But you can be whatever you want to be.

        I’m thinking of becoming Zoroastrian, myself. I should probably look it up first and see what it is, though, huh? ;P

      2. Nah… jump blind – it’s about faith after all!

        Yeah, Jewisness is matrilineal, so I don’t qualify. Good job really, I’ve always found religion rather silly.

  2. well my dear, dear rule of stupid friend… this was a lovely display of ranting and raving and whatnot… however, even though on some points I completely agree, even I the queen of “bah humbug” is shocked by your cynicism… I agree with miss Jennifer there tsk, tsk… (I can close my eyes and see the lovely fake snow filled village and rink and you totally losing it with face red and eyes bulging… what an image!!!) (I hope I am not pushing it here… all in good fun)

    I figure we must stay focused on the good stuff or just quit all together… Christmas does not really make sense to me and when I explore its history it makes even less sense, (one day perhaps we can debate about this) but any excuse to be with the ones we love and to let them know how we feel is a wonderful thing. (not that that heartwarming image is even close to what modern day Christmas actually looks like but whatever…)

    1. Ms Lovely Heart, I described myself as a fountain of fluids and as bursting across a crowd, so red-faced and bulging will bring no qualms from me ๐Ÿ˜‰
      I claim redemption through my closing call for Family crimbles!
      I’m not ranting against Christmas – I’m ranting against fakery of christmas. We spend so much time trying to amp up events, to add gaudy lights and thumping soundtracks – but all we do is kill the joy we seek to trumpet about.
      Let us allow the majesty of the simple thing in itself to be enough for us. That is all I ask.

      1. well then… ranting against fakery, of anything really, is fine by me… if we could just keep it simple and refuse to let our egos get caught up in all the glitz and glam and ooos and awes, then we will be just fine… lets just call for an embracing of the simply and the lovely… (and allow for the occasional nutty and insane of course) ๐Ÿ˜€

      1. You are a grubby capitalist and it’s my bedtime, so I concede the land and oil to you… you become rich but erode your soil and live in perpetual smog – capitalist! ๐Ÿ™‚

      2. LOL then I move to a different part of the world and leave the beach in ruins. Until one day I change my life an become a socialist and donate money to the clean up project. The thing is, my money grubbing days all paid off in stocks and I became a billionaire. I put some money in stocks, some in gold, some in off shore accounts, and some in places no one will ever know about.

      3. My bed turned out to be a sea-bed and I turned into a magic octopus which ate negative vibes and excreted compassion. It was drinking water filled with my enchanted effluent which made you change your life. Our lives are beautiful for ever after ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Oh my–all I can add here, after all this lively discussion is that faking Christmas is about as terrible as faking an orgasm. Neither one really work to make anyone happy, except the people selling us the crap.

  4. O! crap I’ll have to have a sanitation crew in to mop up the spittle as I guffawed through this post. Your description of the faux ice rink just went off the charts of my laugh meter. I actually (PRESSED LIKE) the idea of a June presents blow-out. Your sense of satire is showing. Big Smiles.

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Gabriela LeBaron

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