Doctor, doctor, I don’t quite feel ill enough…

I was reading through the side-effects on some pills today and was most alarmed. They’re an experimental drug to try and cure arseholes – but so far I feel no different. We will see if the long term effects are any better.

If the cure works on me I am thinking of pouring pills in the water supplies of…

local traffic control to cure wardens; all distilleries which brew beer or cider above 5%; Downing Street, Parliament and Westminster; all ‘British’ cafes abroad which only speak English and sell pie and chips

…there are so many more.

Meanwhile the leaflet that came with the tablets made me think (which now I mention it may well mean the tablets are working – oh the wonders of modern medicine! or maybe it’s not the tablets – maybe it’s actually the leaflet that is the cure? If you can learn to read this you may have become literate enough not to be such an arsehole? Ooh, they’re clever bastards… I’ll give them that.)

Where was I? Ah yes, side effects. Apparently these new pills may cause rambling and incoherence. Interesting side effects for anti-arsehole pills. Only last night a complete stranger (which is an interesting phrase – could he be an incomplete stranger? Yesterday a mostly complete stranger with a foot missing and only half a head said to me, ‘av u ot enty ence or up t’ (well, he only had half a mouth…))

Where was I? Ah yes, a complete stranger came up to me in the street and shouted ‘stuck up bitch!’ It was fascinating on many levels, not least of which being that I’m a man (unless I’ve been making some serious misjudgements all my life – it could explain a lot… hmm.)

What when I, how were you and why was that? Um…oh! Said stranger then began to rant incoherently, and not entirely by coincidence, I thought, “what an arsehole”.

It’s a funny old life.

Anywho – It occurred to me that many medicines have side-effects which are worse than the disease. I had a kidney infection once and the tablets I was prescribed warned me that they may cause kidney failure!?!? So I asked myself, what other bum-wrenchingly funny side-effects can I think of for pills?

Sadly I couldn’t think of any, but I did manage to dream up these…

Tablets to fight…

…narcolepsy: Warning, may cause drowsiness

…anxiety: Warning, may cause palpitations

…depression: Warning, may cause low moods

…travel sickness: Warning, do not operate large machinery or drive while taking this medication

…nymphomania: Warning, may cause hot flushes

… delirium: Warning, may cause hallucinations

Can’t think of any more right now, but if you can, do please share – I think I need some more tablets…

You can tell me anything (yes, even that!)

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